Red Couch Report

Recently, a woman wrote to Salon for advice under the pseudonym Mom of Three. Her children are healthy, her marriage is happy, and she has a good job. So what’s her problem? I’ll let her tell you:

I love my family dearly, and my children bring me great joy. So what’s the problem then? I worry that I’ve brought them into a world whose future holds overpopulation (for which I myself feel a bit responsible) and global warming. My children have such bright futures ahead, which may be completely devastated by these global crises.

I feel guilt at having brought them into the world, and yet I can’t imagine not having them in my world. I feel so hopeless that I am unable to make the world a better place for them. My happiness in the present is marred by my heartache thinking of their future.

How do I cope with these feelings?

By now, I think we can all agree that the apocalypse will either be aliens or zombies. They have been the clear leading candidates for many years, so let’s just agree that one or the other is coming soon to eat your face. Or enslave your young. Either way, really.

So what can we do to protect our sweet, juicy brains from the undead? Up until recently, a Hermiston, Oregon middle school was doing its part by offering an extracurricular zombie survival class. In fact, it was the most popular such class offered at the school, with over 70 students enrolled. Think about that for a second. This is a class that got fifteen-year-olds to voluntarily stay after school. But after a local paper ran a story about it, prompted by its overwhelming popularity, the local superintendant learned of the class’ existence and promptly cancelled it. The course has been replaced with explanatory reading, much less effective against brain-eaters.

In Colorado, the firearms debate is highly volatile. Recently, it came to light that a major proponent of gun control, State Representative Rhonda Fields, has a criminal record. She was arrested in 1976 for larceny and again in 1991 for shoplifting. This, according to someone over at right wing website Protein Wisdom, qualifies her as “one of the stupidest people to win a seat of power anywhere, ever, in the history of always.”

Why, you ask? Well, the idea is that she, as a known criminal, is stupid for wanting to restrict the rights of law-abiding citizens. This idea is wrong.

A troubled past, reformed

First of all, a criminal record from over 20 years ago does not speak to her character or competence as a legislator today. She may have had a troubled past, sure. But 20 years is a very long time.

Lately, it seems like the best way to get breaking news is simply to Google the phrase “shooting spree.” California, four dead including the shooter. Chicago, a young woman , mere hours after her sister stood on the same stage as President Obama while he spoke about reducing gun violence.