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The Dating Doctor is In

Writing online profiles is an art, VO’s dating expert advises. You put boobies next to “I like to ride my bike” and boobies will win every time. You put “I live to hop on my bitchin’ ride and fly around town like a super hero.” Now you have a chance at getting a guy to find out more.  

Writing about yourself is not easy. As a dating coach I help my clients put together great little profiles and it does take time. But here are some basics about the energy you can put out to increase the likelihood of making a connection with somebody you really dig.

I often hear common complaints about online dating from my clients. Women complain that men are just trying to sleep with them. But when I read their profiles, I’ll be honest, all I want to do is sleep with them too. Men complain the women don’t write back, but when I read their profiles, I think “you have the charisma of moss.”

This is not an exact “do this and this will happen” column. At the end of the day you could put up pictures of yourself in a burlap sack reading Emily Dickenson and some guys will still write “Wanna bang?” But amongst all the “wanna bangs” you can take steps to attract your “wanna hangs.” Get it bang, hang? See how I flipped it right there.

Okay... back to basics. Men are horny, desperate, visual creatures, online at 2a.m. (hypothetically of course). If all they see is a pretty face, then throw in some teenage desperation and two million years of evolution yelling “Go For It.”, and they will go for it. I’m not saying I don't sometimes wish men were a bit more tactful, but that’s another story, I’m just saying if all men see is something shiny, nature kicks in and they try to get with something shiny.

But wait dear princesses, all is not lost. The key phrase in that last paragraph is “If all they see is a pretty face.” Key word “all.” If “all” they see is something shiny they will go for shiny almost every time. So if you want men to want more than shiny, you have to be more than shiny.

I read profiles all the time that say “No booty calls, no one night stands.” Look, if you put up a picture of yourself in heels and a profile saying “I like BBQ’s” what else is a guy supposed to do? If there is shiny and nothing else, shiny wins by default.

Also my female clients often complain that the guys online are lame. But when I read the woman’s profile I think “maybe that’s because your profile is lame.”

So whether you want men to want more than sex, or you want to attract a guy on your level, here is what you can do.


The first thing you can do is make sure you have a thoughtful, engaging profile that shows who you are. Not the surface you. The you, you.

Saying you like to stay active and are close to your family may be true, but it’s boring. Borrrrrr-ing. “I like my job.” Boring. “I love my dog.” Boring. “I like to travel.” Boring. Oh and my all time favorite “I like drinks on the patio.” Who doesn’t like drinks on the patio? Is a guy supposed to think “Oh man, look, a girl who likes drinks on the patio. This is somebody I can fall for”?

We all know it’s about chemistry, and you don’t get much chemistry with water and milk.

You put boobies next to “I like to ride my bike” and boobies will win every time. You put “I live to hop on my bitchin’ ride and fly around town like a super hero.” Now you have a chance at getting a guy to find out more.

The secret to profiles is reading what’s between the lines. You like your dog. Great. Awesome. Riveting. Why do you like your dog? “I like my dog, cuz when it’s a CSI re-run, I’ve always got him.”

People love to feel special. But then act generic. How is somebody supposed to think you are special and devote energy to you, when they know nothing about you? Aside from the fact that you like drinks on the patio. 


I read profiles all the time that say “I’m quirky” or “I’m fun.” Really? Cuz I just read your profile and it sounded about as quirky and fun as my dad watching Wheel of Fortune. You are trying to connect with somebody, so give them something to connect with. Don’t write “I’m fun,” put “Last weekend my friends and I jumped in shopping carts and terrorized tourists.” Instead of “I’m quirky.” write “My favourite teddy bear, Lazlo, has a button missing, but that’s okay cuz it makes him look like a pirate.” Now we're talking. People go crazy for pirate jokes. 


The funniest thing about somebody putting “I’m funny” in their profile, is that they think that’s gonna do it. Why not just put “I’m smart” and “I’m nice” in there. Oh wait, people do. To attract somebody with a similar sense of humor, you have to actually put it out there. “I’m funny” Borrrr-ing. Next. “I’m not the hottest girl out there, but my peg leg means we’ll win any costume party.” Now we're talking. Why? You guessed it, people go crazy for pirate jokes.

Remember it’s all about chemistry and you don’t get much chemistry with milk and water. So put on your rubber gloves, lab goggles, and get a glass of Chardonnay, and start putting out some crazy concoctions people will want to mix with.

Otherwise your chances of finding that spark are (in your best pirate voice) HAAARRRRRRD.

Happy Sailing Mate-y. 


I only get better at what I do, by hearing from people.  Any constructive criticism or telling me what you learned, is incredibly helpful. 

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