Game of Thrones S03E08 recap & review: Spoiler alert

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In comes Daario the Lothario. He brought Mero and Prendahl with him... well, their heads, anyway. Because Daario only does what he wants, and he's in luuuurve with Daenerys. For her part, Daenerys doesn't find Daario completely repulsive.

Just like that, the Second Sons have joined Team Dragon Mama. Time to order more t-shirts.

To his credit, Daario did a better job of looking Daenerys in the eye than you did.

You gotta be a do-right, do-right man

It's the morning after, and Tyrion looks well rough. Shae comes in and attends to Sansa, giving Tyrion the cold shoulder. She sees that the bed shows no signs of anyone losing their virginity. Tyrion is like, "See?! I told you. I'm all Shae, all the way."

Shae leaves without a word. Okay, so this is a work in progress.

Damn, that's eerie

Up in the Frozone, we catch up with Samwell Tarly and Gilly as they take Gilly's incest-rape-baby south towards The Wall. They stop in an abandoned shack surrounded by trees with these ent faces in them.

Samwell is shite at building a fire, so Gilly suggests they share a blanket. Samwell is trying to use the baby to get through to Gilly, saying the baby winked at him. He's also trying to say that a wink and a blink are the same thing. Oh, Sam, never change.

He wants to give the baby a name, and I kid you not, he suggests "Kevin". I have friends named Kevin, but none of 'em live in Westeros. Samwell mentions that his own dad's name was Randal. Think about it for a sec: Kevin Smith wrote "Clerks". Randal was a character in "Clerks". Coincidence? I think not. Samwell concedes that he has daddy issues, too, but obvs not as bad as Gilly's. Gilly manages to light a fire.

Wow, there are a lot of crows outside. They're making a hell of a racket... until they stop. Oh, crap, it's a White Walker. It's come for Gilly's baby, as per Craster's deal.

Samwell stands up to the thing, which shatters his sword with its icy grip. Sam stabs the White Walker with that spear-thingie he found up at the Fist of the First Men. The Iron-Maiden zombie shatters like an ice sculpture.

Samwell and Gilly run off into the night with the baby, followed by a murder of crows.

Game of Thrones S03E08 review

This episode felt really long, mainly due to the agonizing wedding. You know those weddings that are so horrible, they come back around the other side and become fun? This was one of those weddings.

There was some violence, but not nearly enough. However, we had not only HBO sex, but mystical HBO sex. Also nudity that was gratuitious even by "Game of Thrones" standards.

But you know what we didn't have? Statutory rape. Tyrion revealed even greater depth of character, even as Joffrey pretty much confirmed that the sucks bald donkey. Which is no surprise, but which is also really fun to watch.

Also, Samwell Tarly stepped up big, giving us our first onscreen White Walker kill.

I'm also looking forward to seeing HArya develop. (And I'm looking forward to making "HArya" a term that people other than me will use.) Arya Stark manages to team up with the most interesting people.

So, these Wrath-of-Khan leeches. Does this mean that Melisandre won't need to kill Gendry? That scene actually ratcheted up the tension at Dragonstone, which S03 desperately needed.

Our episode MVP is obviously Tyrion Lannister, who's like the Michael Jordan of partying. Dude can keep his wits about him while drinking his own volume in booze. I really hope Shae comes around. They're good together.

Also, is Tyrion not the second son of Tywin?

I was happy to get a break from the Minstrels without Borders, because I frankly don't find them particularly interesting. However, I really missed Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth. OKCupid reckons they're a good match.

Do you think Daario really killed Mero and Prendahl in a proper fight? I have my doubts...

Overall, I'm giving S03E08 one three blood-gorged mystical cock-block leeches out of a possible five. Look on the bright side: would you really want five of them?

Note: "Game of Thrones" S03E09, "The Rains of Castamere" will air on June 2. This means we have a break next week, but don't worry: I'll try to come up with something fun to post on Sunday, May 26 so that you can have your Dire Wolf fix.

Who loves ya, baby?

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