Game of Thrones S03E08 recap & review: Spoiler alert

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Davos Seaworth is learning to read in his cell. I feel bad for him, since all these Westeros words are really hard to spell. So many extra vowels just thrown in for no reason. He's reading about the Targaryens, so, yeah, extra vowels for no reason. At least there're pictures of dragons.

Stannis comes down to the dungeons for a visit and tells Davos about Gendry. Davos knows right away that Gendry is to be killed. No, sez Stannis, sacrificed. Davos asks, "'Is there a difference between 'kill' and 'sacrifice'?"

I reckon Stannis is trying to get Davos to talk him out of it. Otherwise he'd never have come down in the first place. Davos reckons the same thing, pointing out that Stannis sure chose a funny time to offer him his freedom.

Davos tells Stannis that religion is just something to keep us from envisioning our kids' (and our own) eventual deaths. Stannis points out Exhibit A: his vision in the flames, and Exhibit B: his and Melisandre's Dementor phantom child, who killed his brother Renly.

Yeah, but he's a mercenary with soul

Outside the gates of Yunkai, Mero is bragging about how busy his cock's gonna be when he kicks Team Dragon Mama's ass. His lieutenants aren't so sure. Mero's plan is to avoid a battle entirely by assassinating Daenerys under the darkness of the New Moon. They draw lots for who'll do the deed: Daario wins. Saw that one coming.

Daario fancies himself all deep an' shit, but his friends just don't get it, man. They just don't get it.

It's a nice day for a White Wedding

Tyrion Lannister steps deep into awkwardness, visiting Sansa Stark as Shae stands by. Tyrion has Podrick escort Shae from the room so he and Sansa can have a word in private. Dude must be confident in his chance of salvaging his relationship, if he's leaving Shae alone with the Westeros equivalent of LLCoolJ. Kneel before Pod!

Holy crap, the Tyrion/Sansa wedding is today? No wonder they've all got such long faces. The framing of this moment is awesome, really hammering home their height difference. Sansa's very first words regarding Tyrion, way back in S01E01, referred to his "stature", remember?

Tyrion tries to set Sansa's mind at ease, assuring her that he'll never hurt her, and that they're about to get totally wasted, like, right this minute.

In the great hall, Cersei is doing her best not to look totally repelled by Margaery Tyrell. Her best isn't good enough.

Referencing the song "The Rains of Castamere", Cersei calls Margaery on her plan to to become a star in The Real Housewives of Westeros.

Basically, the story goes that House Reyne crossed the Lannisters and, spoiler alert, they were wiped out completely. Tywin Lannister does not screw around, warns Cersei, who adds, "and sister, don't you ever call me sister again."

Could this wedding get any more awful? Turns out it can: Joffrey Baratheon is walking Sansa down the aisle, or in this case, the stairs. How mortifying. I hope Tyrion and Sansa drank enough to get through this moment; I sure didn't.

The ceremony itself is downright funereal. The only ones smiling are Joffrey, Margaery, and an extra. Actually, Joffrey is smirking. Tyrion quickly wipes his sweaty palms on his jacket. Living up to his total-douchecanoe rep, Joffrey takes the Tom Cruise stool that Tyrion was gonna use when standing next to Sansa for the ceremony.

Everyone's struggling not to chortle, since Tyrion can't reach Sansa's shoulders for the bit where he has to drape a cloak around her. Joffrey is giggling like a little douchebag shithead. Tywin silences 'em all with a ಠ_ಠ.

We're spared the rest of the ceremony. Sadly, Tyrion and Sansa are not. Both are clearly hoping that Billy Idol will crash into the room.

The safe word is... there is no safe word

Melisandre is checking up on Gendry, you know, making sure he's comfortable before she sacrifices his ass. They commiserate over growing up poor and eating unspeakably gross food. Notes Gendry, "We used to pretend it was chicken. We knew it wasn't chicken." Ew.

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