Game of Thrones S03E08 recap & review: Spoiler alert

Game of Thrones S03E08: 'Second Sons'. Tyrion Lannister's got somethin' for your punk ass.

Game of Thrones S03E08 recap & review

Welcome back, Dire Wolf fans! Here's your recap and review for "Game of Thrones" S03E08, titled "Second Sons". Major spoilers await, in case you hadn't already guessed.

Last we left Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth, our favorite action/comedy/will-they-won't-they duo had just escaped an angry bear. Last we left Theon Greyjoy, his junkyward was about to become a parking lot.

Will Tyrion Lannister be able to salvage his relationship with Shae, who's so much more than a whore to him? What does Sandor "The Hound" Clegane have in mind for Arya Stark? Will Yunkai find out the hard way that every day is Mother's Day for Team Dragon Mama? Let's get into it.

 I want you. To hit me. As hard. As you can.

Arya Stark wakes up next to a campfire at dawn. She sees a hefty rock. She hefts the hefty rock and carries it to where Sandor "The Hound" Clegane is sleeping. Arya raises the rock... and The Hound calmly offers her the chance to kill him. She only gets one go, though: if Sandor lives, he gets to break both her hands.

Next we see Sandor and Arya riding across a field, Arya in The Hound's lap. He offers her an apple. She doesn't respond. He eats the apple. I'm already loving HArya. He tells her not to sulk, and it could be much worse: she could have met his brother, The Mountain. Fair enough: The Mountain is a real dick.

Arya doesn't believe The Hound when he says that he saved Sansa from rape and murder (which he totally did: I saw the whole thing in S02E06). Is he taking Arya to Kings Landing? "F*ck Joffrey, f*ck the king!" So that's a No. He's taking her to The Twins, where they'll hopefully find Robb Stark and his ever-dwindling crew, as Edmure has to marry Walder Frey's daughter Roslin.

How the hell does The Hound even know about the wedding? Apparently it made TMZ, because "the whole countryside's yapping about it."

Pickup Artist's Handbook

Team Dragon Mama! Daenerys Targaryen, Jorah Mormont, and Berristan Selmy are in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" disguises, watching a team of mercenaries arrive at Yunkai. Because he's somehow keeping his phone charged, Jorah knows that these are the Second Sons.

There are 2,000 of these Second Sons, led by a guy called Mero, aka The Titan's Bastard.

Daenerys' plan: flip the Sons by offering them more money than Yunkai is paying them. She's using the continent's sexism in her favor: a mercenary's ability to get a gig is tied to his reputation: if you get your ass kicked by a girl, then your reputation is screwed.

We meet Mero and his lieutenants, Prendahl and Daario. Mero wastes no time in being an asshole. Mero isn't wearing a fedora, but we all know he has one. It's probably back in his tent.

Daario wastes no time in trying to be Brad Pitt. Meanwhile, Jorah has wasted no time in looking the Second Sons up on Yelp: they've won a few battles, but lost some, too, against fewer than 8,000 troops, i.e. the number of Unsullied waiting to whoop some ass at Daenerys' command.

Danaerys is like, "Look, the Dragon Mama bus is rolling out. Get on, or get run over. Drink on it, think on it."

Daario is like, "How you doin'?

Daenerys is so not impressed with these douchebags, and tells Berristan to put Mero at #1 on the hit list.

Meet the family

TSWRF! Melisandre and Gendry set ashore at Dragonstone, and Stannis Baratheon comes face to face with his nephew for the very first time. He remarks, "Yeah, this guy totally looks like Christian Bale."

We confirm that Melisandre intends Gendry as a human sacrifice, which suprises precisely zero people.

Stannis wonders why they don't just kill Gendry right now, but Melisandre insists that that's just not the Sexy Witch way. The sacrifice must not know he's about to be sacrificed. So it'll be a surprise, I guess: "Oooh, look! Is that Ned Stark come back to life?" Stab!

As Melisandre sashays out of the room, Stannis looks worried, pensive, remorseful, regretful. If only there were a moral compass to whom he could turn...

More in Culture and Entertainment

The Walking Dead S04E01 recap and review: Spoiler alert

'The Walking Dead' is back with "30 Days Without an Accident". We have the recap and review right here.

Breaking Bad S05E16: Series finale recap and review (Ultimate spoiler alert)

Breaking Bad series finale: Find out what happened.

Breaking Bad S05E16: Series finale preview

Chemistry is the study of transformation.
Speak up about this article on Facebook or Twitter. Do this by liking Vancouver Observer on Facebook or following us @Vanobserver on Twitter. We'd love to hear from you.