Game of Thrones S03E07 recap & review: Spoiler alert

Game of Thrones S03E07: 'The Bear and the Maiden Fair' recap and review. Any questions regarding the episode title? Oh, and spoiler alert.

Game of Thrones S03E07 recap and review

Welcome back, Dire Wolf fans! This is the recap and review for "Game of Thrones S03E07, titled "The Bear and the Maiden Fair".

Does this foreshadow Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth hooking up, with the ever-beardier Jaime as "the bear"?

Will REI and MEC decide to deliver to the Frozone? I suppose it's a moot point now, since pretty much all of the wildling ice climbers have been wiped out in a spectacularly horrific and completely avoidable mountaineering disaster.

This is also the Mother's Day Special, but don't think that there won't be spoilers. Because, dammit, there will be spoilers. Okay, let's get into it.

Beyond the Frozone

The wildlings have somehow made it down the other side of The Wall, and are marching towards Castle Black. Well, they're not marching, more like walking briskly. In fact, Jon Snow is explaining to Ygritte what marching even is. She finds it hilarious: 'Raht foot, leff foot, raht foot, leff foot..."

Ygritte says that there's no way they'll be banging drooms when they rush Castle Black. Jon is like, No, Mance is just going to light a massive fire, because that's sooo stealthy. Ygritte says... waitforit... 'You know noothin, Jon Snow."

The Warg concurs and adds words to the effect of, "Let me hit you with some knowledge: wildlings support, love, and kill one another when the moment calls for it. That's why you'll never hold on to Ygritte."

Hmmm. To our eyes, Ygritte believes she’s found her Richard Gere. Pretty-Woman Richard Gere, not gerbil-urban-legend Richard Gere. I feel it’s important to make that distinction. (When I was a kid, I knew a guy who wanted to name his little sister’s pet hamster “Richard’s Gear”, but his sister refused.) Jon is left with a look on his face even more sour and downcast than normal.

Ass-a-thon

Press play before reading this next scene. Ready? Go.

Team Stark is facing a rain delay on its way to meet Walder Frey. Talisa "Dat Ass" Magyr is washing Robb Stark's hair, while Catelyn describes Walder as "prickly", warning them that this whole marry-Edmure-Tully-to-Roslin thing will still leave the dude feeling slighted.

Happy Mother’s Day, Catelyn. Sorry your son threw you in jail. At the end of the day, though, you just tried to do right by your children. Besides, you made a Jaime-Brienne hookup possible, so we have that for which to thank you.

Yeah, Walder Frey is a total asshole. How is that even news? Brynden "Blackfish" Tully says that he's met wet shits he likes more than Walder Frey, then halfassedly apologizes for his NSFW language. Talisa is like, "'Fish, please."

As the others leave the tent, Robb and Talisa start making out; Catelyn lingers for a quick Norma-Bates moment.

Time for some HBO-sex, as Robb grabs... Dat Ass. When has Robb had time to do all those sit-ups? And, hang on, why isn't his nickname "Dat Ass"? Should we call them Doze Asses, as a sort of collective noun? Does that even work?

This scene has something for every gender preference. "Game of Thrones": the show that's its own fanfic. Robb then asks Talisa to cover Dat Ass. I'm yelling conflicting instructions at the screen.

Right. Robb sits down to strategize while Talisa composes a letter to her mom (See? Mother's Day special!). Will Talisa tell mum that she married a (would-be) king? Robb promises Talisa that he'll travel to her hometown of Volantis and meet mum. Happy Mother's Day, Talisa's mum. We've all been scoping your daughter's bum.

Wait, what?! Talisa's pregnant?! Robb's not angry. Robb's thrilled. Being a Stark, he expresses happiness by clenching his jaw.

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