Game of Thrones S03E05 recap and review: Spoiler alert

Game of Thrones S03E05: Hot tub sales will spike after this one.

Game of Thrones S03E05 recap & review: 'Kissed by Fire'

Welcome back, Dire Wolf fans! If you like sex and violence, then this is your episode. Why am I even asking? You watch "Game of Thrones", ergo you like sex and violence. Glad that's settled.

Last we checked, Lefty Jaime Lannister was at rock bottom, and Brienne of Tarth was trying to help him get his mojo back, or at least fight off septic shock. Meanwhile, Daenerys Targaryen had just turned Astapor into a Michael Bay film.

As you might imagine, there are all kinds of spoilers below. Let's get into it.

Guess who's back... back again

We begin with the Minstrels without Borders, down in their dark-ass cave subterranean headquarters. The Brotherhood is carrying out Sandor "The Hound" Clegane's sentence: trial by combat against their leader. Berick Dondarrion warms up by slicing open his own hand. Yeah, yeah, real badass--- oh, shit, what?! Dondarrion's blood sets his blade on fire. Okay, so the Brotherhood has power-ups? Whoah. The cave doesn't seem to have any mushrooms, so at least Dondarrion will remain human-sized.

The Hound is like, O_o. Berick is all, :D. The fight wasn't carefully planned, as the spectators have to keep dodging sword swings... and flaming sword swings. It's looking good for Berick, since The Hound is partly engulfed in flames and on the back foot... but Clegane rallies and kills Dondarrion. He's like, ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ.

Then Thoros, the Minstrels' resident priest/alcoholic, prays over Dondarrion's body while Arya Stark screams bloody murder, grabs a knife, and has a go at The Hound herself. I admire her moxie, considering she just saw, not five seconds ago, how tough The Hound is in a fight.

Arya never gets the chance as she's tackled by a couple of Minstrels. She screams, "Burn in Hell!!!" Berick Dondarrion, who's alive again, reassures her that The Hound will indeed burn in Hell, but not today. Wait, WTF? Yeah, he's alive again. That explains why his expression is like, ( ಠ◡ಠ ).

What lords do to their ladies

North of The Wall, Jon Snow is still trying to keep his cover ID intact. He's explaining to the wildlings that the Night's Watch can only afford to populate three out of 19 castles. He claims that Castle Black has a thousand men guarding it, on which I'm forced to call bullshit. That warg guy and the fella with the big red beard are also what you might call sceptical, but Ygritte stands up for him. She then steals his sword and runs toward a cave. I know where this is heading, and so do you, but Jon does not... because he knows noothin'.

Ygritte leads Jon down to a natural hot spring, and lays down a challenge of sorts: prove that he's no longer a Crow by breaking the Night's Watch vow of celibacy. Bam.

Even when Ygritte strips naked in front of him and moves in for a kiss, Jon Snow says, "We shouldn't..." This guy's lack of game is mortifying. As he kisses her (finally), Ygritte is like, "Why're you still dressed? You know noothin', Jon Sn-oh!" That's because they may be north of the Wall, but our man has just gone downtown.

Ygritte may be more experienced than Jon, but he just introduced her to oral sex for the first time. How the hell did he know about that? Huh? Jon says it just seemed like the thing to do, but I bet he secretly read Podrick's handbook. Kneel before Pod.

Ygritte and Jon then take it to the hot spring. Bow-chicka-bow-booowww...

Now, there may be some debate as to whether Jon Snow is now getting more ass than my houseplant. The answer is "no". My plant just acquired two new... companions. Now he's sitting back, all <( ̄︶ ̄)>. Sorry, Jon, but you're still a step behind. Out-gamed by a plant. You know what, though? Let's let him have this one.

As for Ygritte and Jon, they have to leave the cave sooner rather than later, and face The Wall and the frozen zombies and whatever the hell else is running around oop North.

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