Game of Thrones S03E03 recap and review: Major spoiler alert

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Ride like the wind

That torture-chamber janitor with the hobbit hairdo makes good on his promise to rescue Theon Greyjoy, providing him with pants and a horse. Theon rides off into the early morn, hoping to hook meet up with his sister Yara.

I gotta see a guy about some human sacrifice

Stannis Baratheon is on the beach with Melisandre, his witchy dementor-mama. He wants her by his side as he regroups for a rematch against the Lannister forces. Stannis' pride is hurt, even though he was as badass as badass gets during the Battle of the Blackwater.

Melisandre, though, needs to go sort out some human-sacrifice issues to re-stoke Stannis' mojo. She needs some Baratheon blood for her next spell or hex or whatever the hell it is she does.

Let's make a deal

Team Dragon Mama! Daenerys Targaryen, Jorah Mormont, and Berristan Selmy are taking a seaside stroll in Astapor. They're on the Walk of Punishment, which was clearly devised by folks who saw the “Spartacus: War of the Damned” series finale. It’s a row of crucified slaves, Jorah explains. How is Jorah Mormont getting all this background info on the fly? Is he surreptitiously checking Wikipedia on his phone?

Daenerys stops to offer water to a crucified man, who asks for death instead. Meanwhile, Jorah and Berristan are arguing over whether or not to buy 8,000 eunuch super-soldiers. Berristan thinks that soldiers driven by allegiance will fight harder. Jorah counters that the Unsullied are simply better at what they do, and that they won't commit as many atrocities on the way. Men without cocks can't rape too many women, the argument goes: Jorah says, "There's a beast in every man, and it wakes when you put a sword in his hand."

The trio gets an audience with Krazny and his translator. He continues the rich Astapor tradition of being a total douchebag:

The negotiations are breaking down, until Daenerys offers a dragon in exchange for the 8,000. Wait, WTF? Are you on crack, Khaleesi? There's no way that these soldiers are worth a dragon. Those of us watching from home know this to be doubly true: who cares how good the Unsullied are at armed combat when Tyrion Lannister is using the Boyd Crowder playbook?

Jorah and Berristan agree on this much, at least: trading a dragon for anything is a horrible idea. Besides, how's that slaver going to know how to properly care for a dragon? Daenerys dismisses the knights' advice.

Daenerys also gets the slaver's translator in the deal. She's not afraid of death: “There are no masters in the grave.” Dang, Spartacus should’ve used that line.

Look, I have a bad feeling about Daenerys giving up a dragon. It's Team Dragon Mama, not Team Eunuch Mama.

Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money

Petyr Baelish is handing over Kings Landing account books to Tyrion Lannister, who's accompanied by Bronn and Podrick. He keeps them with Ros, his favorite whore. I like how Tyrion cops to shagging Ros, but doesn't admit to doing it more than once. Who's staring at Ros' cleavage harder, Podrick or Petyr? Gotta give this one to Littlefinger: nobody leers quite like Petyr Baelish: you just know that the Pause button on his DVD player is worn out.

Petyr is schooling Tyrion on the fine art of fudging the numbers. Basically, just figure out the extent to which you can lie, and you're golden.

Next order of business: reward Podrick for saving Tyrion's ass during the Battle of the Blackwater. Tyrion does this by getting Podrick laid. Because his driver's license reads "Lannister, Tyrion", this is no slapdash affair. He's organized three rather theatrical prostitutes to this end: clearly the Imp had planned this out in advance.

Podrick, a virgin, has this look on his face that's somewhere between awe and terror.

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