Game of Thrones S03E01 Recap/Review: Season 3 Premiere

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So, what does Tyrion want? He wants Casterly Rock. See, this is why we love Tyrion so much: he swings for the fences. Tywin’s counter-offer: a larger cell. Tywin blames Tyrion for killing his wife as he was born. He calls his dear son “an ill-made, spiteful little creature, full of envy, lust, and low cunning.” 

(Charles Dance is fantastic in Game of Thrones, and I look forward to more of his duologues with Peter Dinklage.)

Whatever floats your boat

Sansa Stark is sitting on the dock of the bay, hanging out with Shae, Tyrion’s whore/girlfriend. Sansa’s making up stories about the ships, and where they’re going, but Shae doesn’t want to plae. They’re interrupted by Petyr Baelish.

Petyr tells Sansa that, should she want to leave King’s Landing (which would be a very good idea, given that she’s been kicked to the curb by Joffrey in favor of Margaery Tyrell), he might be able to stow her away on a ship next time he heads off to do whatever the hell it is that he does. Sansa knows that she’s shite at lying, so she doesn’t want too many details lest she’s caught.

Ros, Petyr’s handmaiden, tells Shae to keep an eye on Sansa, especially regarding Petyr. Sound advice: Petyr Baelish is pretty much the least trustworthy person in King’s Landing, and that’s really saying something. Look at that smirk. That is not the smirk of a guy you can trust. Remember, Petyr Baelish had a hand in Ned Stark's untimely death.

Barbecued fish

Flying dragons! This means it’s time to catch up with Team Dragon Mama! The dragon mama herself, Daenerys Targaryen, is so very proud to see her rapidly-growing dragons frolic in the sea, catch fish… and torch them. This is how tuna tataki was invented. Seriously, though, those dragons are getting huge. Daenerys, Ser Jorah Mormont, and the few Dothraki brave enough to face water are aboard a ship on the way to Astapor, having left Qarth and its boring S02 subplot far behind.

They still need an army to take King’s Landing, and they also need the dragons to grow even bigger. Wait about three hours: at that rate they seem to be growing, those dragons will be freakin’ massive by then. Even at this size, though, they’d probably be enough to take the throne from Joffrey: the city’s army would be too busy defecating themselves to put up a proper fight.

Jorah reckons that the Unsullied will make a great army, but Daenerys doesn’t want slave labor. The name "Unsullied" suggests eunuch somehow. Wow, the Dothraki are not good aboard ships. Hey, they’re the first of their kind to ever set sail, so you gotta give them some credit. Aww, Jorah is so into Daenerys. It’s sweet but also sad.

Witchy woman

Davos Seaworth got his wish, and has been rowed ashore to Dragonstone. He’s brought to Stannis Baratheon, who’s busy staring at Melisandre. To be honest, I was busy staring at Melisandre, too.

Davos is making his case to Stannis, urging him to quit this whole burning-people-alive business, dissing Melisandre in the process. Dude, what did Salladhor Sann tell you about dissing Melisandre?! Sure enough, she blames Davos for their defeat at Blackwater and orders him… wait for it… burned alive. Davos yells, “This woman is evil! She’s a mother of demons!” True and true. She did give birth to that smoke-monster-ghost-thing that killed Stannis’ brother Renly. That was weird.

Stannis Baratheon does nothing as Davos Seaworth is dragged off to a cell. Does Seven Kingdoms Human Rights Watch know about this?

I wanna live like common people

Back at King’s Landing, Joffrey Baratheon and Margaery Tyrell are traveling by sedan chair, which is the Westeros version of the Escalade. Margaery stops in a bad part of town, and proceeds to walk through a puddle of poop to go hang with the locals.

Joffrey is too afraid  of his own people to follow his future bride. This is the same neighborhood where people threw crap at him back in S02, which was only a few weeks ago for our characters.

That evening, Margery and her brother Loras (Renly’s boyfriend before Melisandre’s demon-child came along) are having dinner with Joffrey and Cersei. Margaery tells the rest about her visit to the orphanage, and how all people are equal if given a chance.

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