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Game of Thrones S03E01 Recap/Review: Season 3 Premiere

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Cersei glosses over the fact that Tyrion totally owned the Battle of Blackwater, but Tywin Lannister gets all the credit. Oh, and let’s not forget that it wasn’t one of Stannis Baratheon’s rebels who tried to kill Tyrion. Anything goes in Westeros, because impin’ ain’t easy. Then Cersei cracks a short joke. Not even an original short joke.

For his part, Tyrion’s angry that Tywin, his dad, has not once come up to visit him since arriving in King’s Landing and taking Tyrion’s job. For her part, Cersei is really worried about what Tyrion will say to Twyin if given an audience with him. She knows that he knows that she’s banging her brother Jaime. She also knows that she’s the prime suspect in Tyrion’s attempted murder. Complicated? Hey, the Lannisters are a complicated family. Get used to it.

Cersei plays the unknown-unknowns card: “You’re not half as clever as you think you are.” Tyrion swigs wine like a boss, dryly replying, “That still makes me more clever than you.”

Bronn the Mercenary is about to get into some sexposition, but gets cock-blocked by a messenger. Bronn flaunts his new knighthood: he’s Ser Bronn of Blackwater now, if you please. The guards do not please, and denounce him as ”an up-jumped cutthroat”. They don’t want Bronn to visit Tyrion. We’re robbed of some early bloodshed when Cersei emerges, followed by Tyrion. Bronn wants a fat raise: “I’m a sellsword. I sell my sword. I don’t loan it out to friends as a favor.” Tyrion is like, “Hhhh. Fine. Whatevs.”

I see a ship in the harbor

Hooray! Davos Seaworth is alive! The moral compass of Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism is washed up on a tiny rock, his faced burned up from the Wildfire used to destroy Stannis Baratheon’s rebel fleet during the Battle of Blackwater. Seaworth spots a nearby ship, and waves frantically.

The ship sends some dudes in a rowboat, who ask who Seaworth serves. He answers boldly: Stannis Baratheon. The dude who looks like Eric Bana smiles and throws Seaworth a rope. Turns out that the ship belongs to Davos Seaworth’s buddy Salladhor Saan, that pirate captain who wants to bang Cersei Lannister. You have no chance, mate. You’re not related to her. (Game of Thrones has kept its habit of not name-checking its characters. Thankfully my memory is still somewhat functional. You’re welcome.)

Anyway, Saan says that Stannis is holed up at Dragonstone after his defeat at the Battle of Blackwater (Note: Stannis was pretty much Rambo during the battle, so he can hold his head up high). The only person Stannis will see is his witchy, witchy wife Melisandre. Oh, and now anyone who disses Melisandre is getting burned alive as “servants of darkness”. I don’t call ‘em Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism just for the hell of it, you know.

Basically, pirates and smugglers are personae non grata at Dragonstone these days. Saan tells Davos that there’s no point in messing with Melisandre: death would be the overwhelmingly-likely outcome.

Slumming it with the King of the North

Robb Stark and his army have arrived at Harrenhal. It’s not clear how much time has passed between the end of S02 and the start of S03, but it’s probably only a few days. Harrenhal has not been renovated during that time. What a dump. Robb Stark finds lots of dead bodies in Harrenhal, and not the ones left by Jaqen H’gar, that Face/Off ninja guy. Nope, these are all prisoners of war. There’s one survivor among the corpses, some guy called Qyburn.

Robb Stark orders his men to find a suitable cell for his mom. Hey, Catelyn Stark freed Jaime Lannister. It’s probably for the best that she’s not in a position to do… well, pretty much anything.

At home with the Lannisters

Time for an awkward family moment with the Lannisters! Tyrion finally gets to confront Tywin. The elder Lannister is berating his youngest son for abusing the position of Hand of the King by “bedding harlots and drinking with thieves”. I dunno, this sounds about right for me. Tyrion points out that he basically saved King’s Landing from rebels while that little sh*t Joffrey Baratheon hid in a corner. No luck in getting anything from Tywin, though: the Lannisters belong in a Wes Anderson film.

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