Breaking Bad S05E13 recap and review: Spoiler alert & updated dead pool

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Jesse shuffles up to Walt and spits in his face. Walt rushes Jesse and they clumsily wrestle until Walt gets stuffed into Hank's SUV. Hank calls Marie to gloat. He tells her, "I love you, baby," which is how we know something bad is about to happen. Sure enough, the Nazi Meth gang rolls up. As we saw with their attempts at cooking, they're terrible at following directions.

A truly tense standoff ensues, and the Nazis open fire on Hank and Gomez.

The Nazis are terrible shots, though, somehow missing the two DEA agents who were standing right in front of them, even after having 20 seconds or so to line up their shots. Hank and Gomez return fire, while Walt and Jesse cower in their respective vehicles, presumably soiling their respective pants.


'Breaking Bad' S05E13 review

 Well, dang. I didn't expect Walt to get apprehended at all, never mind with three episodes left. I loved the agonizing pace of the final scene.

I also liked how self-contained the episode was. A handful of schemes are hatched and played out within 45 minutes of screen time: "Breaking Bad" is not messing around when it comes to cranking out that narrative.

I'm giving this episode four fake brains out of five, deducting a brain for the show's use of the annoying bulletproof-car-door trope. Every single weapon the Nazi Meth Gang brought would have perforated those car doors like they were loaves of bread. Hank and Gomez would be marginally safer as they hide behind an entire vehicle, but both Jesse and Walt would be, as Jules Winnfield said, "deader than f*ckin' fried chicken".

"Breaking Bad" a show which features science, so I was hoping for better when it came to ballistics, considering the strikeout with the gasoline fumes from last week. There are ways to stage a gunfight without resorting to hails of bullets. "Unforgiven" did it quite well, if I recall correctly.

Other aspects of the episode rang true, though, such as the export dynamic of the Lydia-Todd alliance, and the fact that the Nazi Meth Gang is so horrible at chemistry. Just last week, a huge meth operation was busted in Ontario; one of the labs was protected by a bear trap. It didn't help.

The 'Breaking Bad' dead pool

Wherein I spuriously quantify how likely our main characters are to die by the end of the season. I have no prior knowledge of what’s going to happen in Season 5, nor have I been handed any leaked episodes or copies of “Breaking Bad” scripts. What follows is pseudoscience at best, but it’s fun pop-culture pseudoscience. So there you go.

Alive :)                      Might Get Lucky  :/                       Dead x_x
Walter White
Jesse Pinkman
Skyler White
[===================+=                                             ]
Hank Schrader
[===================+===================   ]
Lydia Rodarte-Quayle
[===================+==================     ]

So I upped Walt's survival probability, but he's still at over 100% certainty for death. It's just how the math works, and I'm truly sorry for that. Hank has also moved closer to his doom, mainly because he's under attack by heavily-armed rednecks in the middle of the desert. It's looking kind of grim. I don't think Jesse will die in this shootout (because we've established those magic car doors), but I still reckon he'll die in the upcoming episodes. Unless he dies in this shootout.

Before I go, let's answer a question that Google suggests regarding S02E09:

The answer is because he couldn’t deal with looking himself in the eye. That’s not a problem anymore. Walt is not alone in his metamorphosis. What about Skyler? She’s gone from absent-minded handies to blackmailing (and nearly killing) Ted Beneke. She’s topped that by abetting her husband. At first it was out of abject terror, but that, too, has changed. Since Hank threatened her with prosecution, Skyler has seen the advantage to her family in making sure Walt gets away with his Blue Icecapades.

Be sure to tune in on September 15 for S05E14, titled "Ozymandias". I'm presuming it refers to the Percy Bysshe Shelley poem and not the "Watchmen" character.

That's it from me for this week, but feel free to share your thoughts and theories in the comments. All I ask is that you avoid any spoilers for upcoming episodes.

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