Breaking Bad S05E13 recap and review: Spoiler alert & updated dead pool

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Swing and a miss

Walter visits Andrea and Brock, and wastes no time in awkwardly lying to them. He says that Jesse and he had a fight (pssshhyeah, ya think?), and that he hasn't heard from his old partner in days. He tells her, "Jesse is using again, and I have a bad feeling about this."

Andrea calls Jesse, inadvertently leaving a message with x-tra added menace; she tells him that Walt is at her house with her and her son. Brock has been giving Walt the side-eye the whole time.

Walt thanks Andrea then stiffly walks to his car, where he calls the Nazi hit team, who are lurking in a cop-lookin' car parked right in front of Andrea's house. Their orders are to grab Jesse and kill him somewhere far from the house so Andrea and Brock don't find out.

Unfortunately, the Hello Kitty burner phone is in Hank's hands. He listens to the message and mutters, "Nice try, asshole." Hank goes back into his own house, where he tells Jesse and Gomez that he found the rental van, but it had no GPS. They figured out (as any moron would have done) that Walt buried the money somewhere. Their plan is to make Walt think that the van did have a GPS in it. Because Hank has had so much luck so far getting into Walt's head.

The 'bitch' is back

Skyler and Walt Jr. are working at the car wash, and Walt Jr. is wondering the same thing you are: Is it really absolutely necessary to say "Have an A1 day" to every mofo who comes in? Skyler says that it's all about building the brand. Walt Jr. is about as convinced as you are.

Saul comes in, and Walt Jr. has a minor-celebrity moment, recognizing the lawyer as the guy in all those commercials. I keep forgetting that Walt Jr. doesn't know that his parents use Saul as a lawyer. Then Walt steps in with Holly, spots Saul, and ducks back out somewhat hilariously.

Saul is obviously here to talk to Skyler and/or Walt, but Walt Jr. is cockblocking the whole thing. Walt, who had apparently ditched Holly somewhere, corners Saul in the car-cleaning area.

Saul is worried by Huell's sudden absence, especially since Jesse hasn't turned up yet. Walt notices that the lawyer is sporting a bullet-proof vest. This conversation takes place in front of a Better Call Saul billboard.

Walt's phone goes off. It's a MMS from Jesse, showing a barrel full of money. Walt does his trademark oh-shit face just as the phone rings.

It's Jesse: "Got my photo, bitch? That barrel look familiar? 'Cause I just found six more exactly like it." tells Walt that he found the barrels by tapping the rental van's (fictitious) GPS, and now he's gonna burn all that Blue Sky cash. This is the first time in three episodes that Jesse has called someone "bitch". Must have felt good to scratch that itch.

Walt is all, "Nonononopleasepleasepleasedon'tburnallmyBlueSkybucks!" Jesse says he'll burn $8,000 a minute until Walt shows up at the burial site, and he'll burn all of it should Walt hang up.

Walt hauls ass into the desert, pleading with Jesse the whole way. He screams that the money is for his kids, not for him. Think of the children, Jesse! Think of the children!

Jesse calls BS on that, because Brock. Walt says that Brock was never in mortal danger. Jesse calls BS on that as well, and you can hardly blame him.

I got that boom-boom-pow

Walt pulls up at the To'hajiilee site to find no sign of Jesse. You got played, Walt. You got played. It dawns on Walt that this was a ploy to track him to the location of the money, so he removes the battery from his phone and, being Walter White, kicks it into the dirt for good measure. Track that, phone-tracker-people-whoever-you-might-be!

Walt sees a vehicle approaching, reassembles his phone, and calls Uncle Jack, telling him to send the Nazi cavalry to To'hajiilee ASAFP. He presumes that it's Jesse and a few friends, maybe Badger and Skinny Pete. The Nazi Meth Gang tools up with some military-grade weapons and moves out.

When Walt sees that it's Hank and Gomez, he calls Jack back and tells him to abort.

Did Hank have a clever speech prepared and just defaulted to cliched lines like "Come on out Walt" and "It's over", or is he just that unimaginative? At any rate, when Walt hears his brother-in-law's voice, he's like,

Walt finally emerges and surrenders to Hank, who's really, really enjoying this. Hank was able to get into Walt's head after all.

Hank cuffs Walt and reads him his Miranda rights. Walt looks past Hank to Jesse, muttering, "Coward!"

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