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Return of the Fake Mailbag

This week we answer questions from Dana White, Arland Bruce, Shane's mom and God.

Every week we answer a bunch of questions we wrote ourselves.

Tiger finished third at the Aussie Open. Should I be worried?                   ~ R. Mcilroy, N. Ireland

Nolan: No. Just… no. Take a look at the field. Of the 125 or so competitors, 115 were Australian. I’m exaggerating, but not by much. And there were nine Chinese golfers in the field. Can you name a single Chinese golfer?

Shane: Should you be worried? Tiger was beaten by Greg Chalmers. A left-handed golfer who looks like Red Forman from “That 70’s Show”. I would have been worried when Tiger challenged at the Masters, but not since. I think Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 major victories is the safest it’s been in years.

What do you want for Christmas?                                                                    ~ Shane's mom, North Vancouver, B.C.

Shane: This.

What did you think of the UFC on FOX? Good first show, right?                 ~D. White, Las Vegas, Nevada

Nolan: Meh … The production was professional, but the main event only lasted 64 seconds. Not a whole lot of sporting action for a one-hour telecast.

Shane: I’m pretty sure I went into the kitchen to microwave a Pizza Pop and the main event was over when I got back. The fight was 10 minutes shorter than Sportsnet Connected’s Hazel Mae return special. At least Joe Rogan didn’t look stoned out of his tree like he usually does on UFC PPVs -- maybe one of the FOX executives gave him some Visine before he went out.

Is Tim Tebow the worst QB in the NFL or is he touched by myself?         ~ God, Heaven

Shane: I’m gonna start buying in to the whole Christianity thing now. The only way you could ever win a game after completing two passes for less than 100 yards is if you are touched by god. Tebow has a QB rating of negative 9 and he wins games. Okay, I’m joking, but these stats are real -- 2 for 8 (completed 25 per cent) and under 70 yards of total passing with ZERO yards of passing in the first half?! Oh yeah, Tebow is an NFL starting QB, because God wants him to be.

Nolan: Until last week, my favourite sarcastic play-by-play call had to be this.

After Tebow completed his second pass of the day, for his only TD throw, the play-by-play call went “Just went you think he [Tebow] couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn...” That really says it all right there. I’m confused, don’t you need to know how to throw and complete passes to be a QB in the NFL?

Will my run in with the parking cops negatively affect our chances?        ~ A Bruce, Vancouver, B.C.

Nolan: Honestly I’m still concerned that Nickelback is playing the halftime show. Man, they suck.

Shane: Police situation? I’m sure it was more a case of bruised egos than legal transgressions ... I can just see the conversation after the cop pulled him over:

Arland: “Don’t you know who I am?

Cop: “No. [pause] No, I do not.”

And boom goes the dynamite.

Tune in next week for another Fake Mailbag.

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