Vancouver's most expensive house, at least for the week of April 17

What will $24 million dollars get you in Vancouver? Quite a bit, as it turns out.

Wine cellar in West Van mansion
Yes, that's a wine cellar. (Images via MLS)

Real estate porn: Vancouver's most expensive listings

You ready for some real estate porn? Okay, let's look at the most expensive house in Vancouver at the moment.

I trolled MLS for properties between $1,900,000 on the cheapo end, and up to $99,000,000 on the high end (just in case).

Yes, I get that there might be some hidden high-priced gems in the islands or wherever, but we're talking about Vancouver and its immediate environs. Work with me here.

The least most expensive

If you're looking for a bargain in your multi-million-dollar home, East Van is the place to go. Dang it, I just couldn't find anything over $2.57 million.

This 8-bedroom/8-bath mansion is only five years old, which explains its somewhat soulless look (sorry). However, it boasts built-in speakers. Claimed square footage: 4,303 on a 7,150-square-foot lot.

Killarney mansion, East Vancouver

Compared to West Van, though, though, this bad boy is a steal...

Welcome to your palace

On South Granville, you would spend almost six times as much to get merely twice as much house. For $14.89 million, you would get an 8-bedroom/7-bath/2 half-bath "palace". Looking at the MLS photo below, I'd concede that "palace" is at least somewhat accurate. This property boasts 8,881 square feet on a 14,835-square-foot lot.

South Granville mansion, Vancouver

Again, this was the most expensive offering listed. Overall, Vancouver West had over 500 results above $1.9 million. Vancouver East, by comparison, only had 13. Indeed, Vancouver West boasted 58 homes over $6 million.

Enough screwing around, though. Let's get to the main event.

The final showdown

The most expensive listing in the Vancouver area that MLS could cough up was a seven-bedroom mansion in West Van. This place reminded me of Willem Dafoe's mansion in "Once Upon a Time in Mexico". I mean that as a compliment.

Anyway, we're talking seven bedrooms, six full baths, and two half-baths. You need the extra bathrooms because, with a claimed square footage of almost 13,000 square feet, your bladder may not be able to handle the journey from end to end. Lot size isn't listed, but it looks like my entire apartment building would fit in the driveway.

West Van mansion: library

Your new compound also features a pool, wet bar, library, wine cellar, and commanding views, which you'll need to see Antonio Banderas coming. Oh, and there's also a security system to alert your henchmen when he arrives (BYO henchmen).

This mansion is located in Caulfeild, West Van; above Lighthouse Park. "Caulfeild" is not misspelled, by the way. The asking price: $23,800,000.

Can you afford it? The short answer: "This place is as affordable as Willem Dafoe is Mexican."

The long answer: If you put 20% down, your monthly payments would come to roughly $115,000. Your household income would have to be at least $4.4 million per year. Since you're a casually-employed "designer", I hope your partner is, like, a cartel boss; in which case she'd skip the mortgage and pay with a steel briefcase full of cash.

Alternatively, you could throw weekly parties and charge $1,000 to get in.

So the most expensive listing in Vancouver isn't for you? That's okay. Let's switch gears. How about the most affordable listing in Vancouver? You may be surprised by what you find.

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