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Pesky Canadian Law Daunts International Olympic Committee's Efforts to Protect Brand From Dope-Fiend Athletes

Warning: This story contains a merry Olympic Christmas carol at the end for our friends in Brazil.

Once again, pesky Canadian law is in the way of the Olympic spirit shining as brightly as it must in Vancouver this February, but thanks to IOC, something is being done about it.

In the tome that is the International Olympic Committee (IOC) host agreement,  they had forgotten to include a requirement about being able to raid athletes rooms with impunity.


We don't allow random search and entry in Canada, so the IOC is working with the City to fashion a by-law to protect us from this terrible threat. I have a suggested name for the bill in a recent email to IOC: “The F**k Canadian Civil Liberties” bill.


I mean, how dare Canada use outmoded laws that "protect" privacy to leave Vancouver vulnerable to the far greater threat of athletes ranging the streets on  steroids, Time Warp, or 420?


IOC  rightly points out that Canada's privacy laws hinder anti-doping efforts. It is not enough, they say, that athletes will be opening their veins and bladders at a rate of around 2,000 blood and urine tests during this winter Olympic season--- an increase of about 500 tests from the last Winter games, because when they get behind closed doors they  let their hair hang down and not during their scheduled testing times. (Duh!)


International sports rules allow for the testing of athletes anywhere, anytime. Athletes must  specify one hour each day where they can be found for testing. Hopefully, athletes have enough integrity to allow these tests to take place right after they have dropped acid, imbibed Peyote, or shot up Vitamin B. That's the level of honesty one would expect from an athlete bearing the Olympic brand.    But in case athletes are not that honourable, IOC has simply requested the right to break down an athlete's door.  Big deal.  Santa comes down through the chimney without knocking on the door.  Why shouldn't IOC come down through the door without knocking on the chimney?


The thing is, if you want to take down the United Nations gang (the BC-based UN, not the New York one), then you will need a court approval to enter their homes, and that takes too much time.  Additionally, the courts will be closed for the games and this would mean hundreds, possibly many hundreds of Olympic athletes plummeting down mountains on skis or sleighs after having possibly just smoked one of BC's unOlympic local brands.


Dear Leader, IOC chairman Arne Ljungqvist, rightly knows such wobbliness can't be allowed on Olympics soil.  Ljungqvist has said the IOC and local law enforcement officials are co-operating but have not yet resolved the issue. For future Games, the IOC will put in place a rule forcing host cities to have an acceptable anti-doping law.


So, bend over, Brazil, 'cause you got it coming. Don your Olympic-brand only apparel and sing along with Canada this merry  Christmas carol: 

They're making a list, they're checking it twice, they're gonna find out who's naughty or nice.   The Ol-ym-pics are comin' to town!

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