Game of Thrones Season 4 preview: S03 recap, S04 predictions

We're getting ready for 'Game of Thrones' Season 4 premiere. Catch up on what happened in Season 3, and get a peek at what to expect when GoT returns on April 6.

Tyrion Lannister, from the 'Game of Thrones' S04 teaser.

Game of Thrones S03 recap: Get up to speed for S04

Okay, Dire Wolf fans, only a week until April 6, and the Season 4 premiere of “Game of Thrones”. I’m getting ready. You’re getting ready. Let’s get ready together.

Let’s catch up with the major players in “Game of Thrones” and remind ourselves where our favorite (and least-favorite) characters ended up as of S03E10. Hey, it’s been nearly a year... since there’s no justice in this world, we must wait that long between GoT seasons.

HBO's promos have all featured "Valar Morghulis (All Men Must Die)", and Peter Dinklage indicated that the pace of S04 will be much more frenetic than what we've seen so far. Prepare yourself to yell at your TV screen, like, a lot.

Okay, let’s get into it.

Team Dragon Mama

S03 only saw Daenerys Targaryen and her army move a few hundred feet. Ser Jorah Mormont managed to move not one inch out of the Friend Zone. Turns out getting tween queens to notice you is tough when you’re a pre-invasion project manager who’s permanently covered in dust.

Ser Jorah Mormont: Game of Thrones

Anyway, Team Dragon Mama is still on the wrong side of the ocean, still in need of boats, ... and still in possession of three dragons. Those dragons are growing up quickly, though. I hope they’re not used to sitting on the couch.

The final scene from last season saw the folks at Yunkai welcome Khaleesi with the sort of adoration normally reserved for Amanda Palmer, but she can’t get to Westeros on good vibes alone. Furthermore, how will the “liberated” cities in her wake fare when she isn’t physically present to keep freedom free?

Aside from the three dragons, Dani has some of the Dothraki, the Unsullied, the Second Sons, and now the residents of Yukai on her side. Let’s not forget She3PO, who can help Daenerys with her Dothraki language skills.

Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalist

Only in a Depeche Mode album will you find a more profound mixture of sexuality and religion than you get with Melisandre. She's the real driving force behind Stannis Baratheon's push to reclaim the Iron Throne. She spent S03 putting the "sexy witch" in TSWRF, what with the leeches and the fire and the ritual foreplay and whatnot.

 Melisandre: Game of Thrones

Davos Seaworth was spared a surely-horrible execution because, since the White Walkers are creeping south of The Wall, he's able to rally all his pirate and mercenary connections via LinkedIn.

See, Davos set Stannis Baratheon’s nephew Gendry free, and Melisandre wanted to actually f&ck the soul out of his body to further her witchy agenda.

(I took a poll among my friends, and we unanimously agreed that we’d have risked it, but whatever, Gendry wasn’t as adventurous as we were.)

Gendry is headed back to his hometown, while Melisandre is turning her witchy eye northward. She has big plans for her lover: will we get a spinoff series called "Stannis Baratheon: Zombie Hunter"? It would surely be better than this season of "The Walking Dead".

The X

Theon Greyjoy is still strapped to the X, getting tortured by Psycho Hobbit, whose birth certificate reads “Ramsay Bolton Snow”. [Corrected as per comments below; Ramsay is not related to Jon Snow, so far as we know; "Snow" is a generic bastard-child surname for northerners.] All of last season, Psycho Hobbit has been torturing Theon with pliers, knives, and a vuvuzela. Theon's Junk Morghulis.

This part of the story has been somewhat tedious, to be honest, but things should pick up now that Yara Greyjoy is sailing forth to beat some hobbit ass.

Hopefully she’s come up with some one-liners for when she reunites with her now-cockless brother. I hope you guys/gals have come up with a few, too, but save them for when/if Yara is successful.

The Stark Rebellion

Dude. Just... dude. To say that S03 went badly for the Stark Rebellion would be a major understatement. I only wish I had bought stock in daggers and crossbow bolts. The most notorious wedding band in Westeros has gotten decidedly mixed reviews:

Walder Frey, Catelyn Stark: Game of Thrones

Walder Frey orchestrated the wholesale assassination of nearly everyone whose driver’s license read “Stark” at Tywin Lannister's behest, a move Tywin claimed would save lives in the long run. Of course, Frey then had the entire Stark army wiped out as well.

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