Game of Thrones S05E09 recap: 'The Dance of Dragons' (Spoiler alert)

A wooden stag and lots of swag.

It's the Game of Thrones S05E09 recap and review.

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Anyway, Trant is examining the whores. He has the same standards of beauty as your average Hollywood casting director, where 20 is "old". Arya sees her chance to establish a new cover ID, but a brothel staffer just steers her right into the viewing chamber, face to face with Meryn Trant. Arya keeps her shit together and her head down. Trant is like, "???", but then the madam steers Arya back out and replaces her with a tween whore. The tween whore is right up Trant's paedo alley.

Back at Ninja Junior High, Jaqen H'gar is euthanizing some dude with the Ninja Death Water when Arya comes back. She lies to Jaqen, telling him that The Thin Man wasn't hungry today. "Tomorrow, then," says Jaqen, "... but now you'll have a new corpse to scrub in three, two, one..."

Ain't love the sweetest thing

Doran Martell is laying it down for Ellaria Sand: allegiance or death. She goes with Option A.


Ellaria then visits Jaime Lannister, and comments on his crappy left-handed handwriting. Then she's like, "I know about you and Cersei. TMZ. Anyway, here in Dorne, it's totally cool to bang your siblings. A hundred years ago, it'd have been cool in King's Landing, too. We want who we want. Anyway, I know that Myrcella wasn't involved in Oberyn's death. Maybe you're innocent, too."

Then she walks out.

That's NOT what I meant!

At Camp TSWRF, Shireen is playing with her new wooden stag and reading. Stannis comes in and asks what she's reading. She says, "'The Dance of Dragons'. It's about all these people fighting over the Iron Throne." Stannis is like, "Hmm, sounds cool. Who would you choose to win?" Shireen says she wouldn't choose: that's what causes all the bloodshed. Stannis says that sometimes the world forces you to choose.

I love the Stannis-Shireen scenes so much. Stephen Dillane and Kerry Ingram totally sell this relationship.

That's why it's so awful when Shireen walks out into the cold, flanked by guards, towards Melisandre, who's waiting with a smile and a pyre.

So... this is gonna go a lot further than just leeches, huh?

Shireen's like, "Where's my father?" Melisandre says, "It will all be over soon, Princess."

Stannis and Selyse Baratheon look on from the edge of the crowd.

Melisandre starts praying to the Lord of Light as Shireen screams. This isn't what she envisioned when she offered to help her dad.

Jeez, Stannis' face:

As a henchman lights a torch, Selyse rationalizes the decision to sacrifice her daughter for a military victory. Shireen is not on the same page. At all.

Selyse folds, but Stannis stays the course, not taking his eyes off his little girl. Melisandre lights the pyre and stands back. She watches Shireen as she screams and burns.

Yeah, move over, Red Wedding. This is the most ruthless thing I've seen on Game of Thrones.

It's getting hot in here, so torch up all these bros

Team Dragon Mama! All of Mereen is at Madison Square Garden for the Fighting Pits Grand Final. Daenerys Targaryen has the best seats, joined by She3PO, Daario the Lothario, and Tyrion Lannister.

Daenerys' fiance, Hizdahr zo Loraq, comes back just in time to see Bruce Buffer welcome everyone to the first match. Dany has to clap her hands to get the bloodshed underway. As the two dudes in the arena hack at each other, Daario says that the smaller man will win. Tyrion concurs because he never wastes the opportunity to be awesome.

Daenerys calls Hizdahr out on the fact that he himself has zero (0) fighting pit experience. Daario is talking about how quick he was with his dagger. Meanwhile...

Hizdahr zo Loraq is saying that cruelty is necessary to keep Mereen on its feet. Tyrion is like, "My father would've liked you." He points out that Hizdahr's eloquence doesn't mean he knows what the hell he's talking about.

Oh, check it out: it's Ser Jorah Mormont, ready to fight and die for the Khaleesi who hates him.

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