Game of Thrones S05E09 recap: 'The Dance of Dragons' (Spoiler alert)

A wooden stag and lots of swag.

It's the Game of Thrones S05E09 recap and review.

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Davos leaves, visiting Shireen in her tent. She's reading "The Dance of Dragons": the bit about Ser Byron Swan, the worst dragon slayer ever.

Davos carved Shireen a wooden stag. It's pretty awesome, because Davos is pretty awesome. he tells Shireen that she deserves the gift for helping him achieve literacy.

Out on bail, fresh outta jail, Water Garden dreamin'

Dorne! Jaime Lannister is escorted to a meeting with Prince Doran Martell. Ellaria Sand, now out of jail, is clearly thrilled to see the Kingslayer.

It gets even better. Myrcella Baratheon is hanging out with O+->, the Artist Formerly Known as Trystane Martell. Heh, Jaime comments on his daughter/niece's skimpy attire.

Ellaria asks, "What precisely the fuck are you doing here?" Doran is like, "Yeah, if you wanted to ask about your airquotes-'niece', you could have just called." Jaime tells Doran about the threatening message: the necklace in the snake's mouth.

Jaime assumes he's about to be executed. However, Doran opens Spotify to a Nineties Club Anthems playlist and goes, "Nah, instead of starting a war, we're gonna party right here and now! Directed by M. Night Shyamalan! Welcome to Dorne, bitch!"

However, Ellaria Sand is having none of it.

So Myrcella is coming back to King's Landing, but there're are a few provisos, a few quid pro quos:

  1. Trystane will accompany Myrcella.
  2. Trystane will marry Myrcella.
  3. Trystane will also be on the Small Council.

Ellaria storms out, making a politically-incorrect crack about Doran's disability. Doran's like, "Talk to me like that again, and you're dead."

Trystane promises to free Bronn from jail, but on one condition, dot dot dot. Speaking of whom...

Bronn is listening as the Sand Snakes play that game where you try to slap someone's hands, and they try to move their hands out of the way. I played that game as a small child, not knowing it was invented in Dorne. This version also involves surprise face-slapping, and maybe even straight-up brawling. Areo comes for Bronn.

That one condition for Bronn's freedom? Areo (who's the size of one and a half linebackers) gets to elbow the sellsword in the face. He elbows the sellsword in the face.

Mission creep

OYSTERS, CLAMS, AN' COCKLES! It's Arya Stark, under deep cover as a dockside oyster hustler in Braavos. I'm gonna make an "Oysters, clams, an' cockles" ringtone, and it's gonna be amazing. Dammit- just as I'm recording the new ringtone, two douchebags interrupt by sexually harassing her.

Okay, focus: Arya spots her target: The Thin Man, that shipping insurance broker who's not paying out, and has thus found himself on the Ninja Junior High syllabus. She gets the poison ready (though, just as a note, I'd suggest keeping it in your belt the whole time, so you're not whipping out poison in a public place), and she freezes. Arya ignores the oyster-hungry broker as she notices Mace Tyrell arrive in town, accompanied by Meryn Trant, the asshole knight who may or may not have killed Arya's sword instructor, Syrio Forel.

Arya wheels her oysters, clams an' cockles after Mace Tyrell and his entourage as he chats with Tycho Nestoris, King's Landing's account rep at the Iron Bank of Braavos. Mace and Tycho are discussing whether or not banking is gambling; neither mentions the GFC caused by the US housing market collapse for some reason. Meanwhile, Trant notices something odd about the oyster-clams-an'-cockles girl...

Arya stakes out the bank building for hours. Finally, Mace Tyrell emerges, singing.

Later, Trant is denouncing the Tyrells as a bunch of rhymes-with-blunts as he heads into a brothel. Arya lurks up a moment later with the oysters, clams, an' cockles... which she brings into the brothel. So, if you want to sneak into a brothel, forget the fake ID. Bring raw seafood. Understood.

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