Game of Thrones S05E08 recap and review: 'Hardhome' (Spoiler alert)
Mean nuns and Crows that're outgunned.
It's the recap and review of Game of Thrones S05E08, 'Hardhome'.
Tyrion's first piece of advice: forget the Iron Throne and focus on the work she's been doing on this side of the Narrow Sea. He tells her that House Targaryen is gone, and none of the remaining Great Houses will ever have her back. Yeah, yeah, the rise and fall of every Great House, on and on like a wheel, she says: "I'm not going to stop the wheel. I'm going to break the wheel."
Meanwhile, Jorah Mormont is taking his second exile rather well... by re-entering slavery to fight in the Thunderdome. Hey, with that Greyscale, how long does he even have?
Mean Nun 2: The Nunnening
Back at Church Jail, Mean Nun is only gonna give Cersei Lannister some water if she confesses. Cersei says that she'll be freed before long, and Mean Nun can either show mercy and become Lady Mean Nun... or keep being mean and become Dead Mean Nun.
Mean Nun smirks and pours the spoonful of water onto the ground.
As soon as Mean Nun leaves, Cersei goes face-down on the ground to sip what's left of the water... perhaps, for a fleeting moment, experiencing what it was like to be Bran Stark.
Have you ever had to knock on wood?
Shit, another gloomy, dank room?! This time it's at Castle Black, where Gilly is tending to Samwell Tarly's wounds after last week's ass-whupping/ Dire Wolf awesomeness/ HBO-sex even-more-awesomeness. They're both scared for their respective futures at The Wall. In comes Ollie, Squrie to Jon Snow, bearer of food, killer of Ygritte. Ollie wants to know why Jon Snow is helping the Wildlings, especially since Beardo is the one who led the raid on the kid's village.
Sam is like, "Have you ever seen The Walking Dead? Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Dead Snow? Take your pick. Bottom line: zombies. Jon has to risk an alliance with the Wildlings or we're Eff You See Kay'd. Don't worry, though... Jon always comes back." Ollie gives him a look that says, "Dude, this is Game of Thrones. Don't be jinxing it."
Ice to meet you!
North of the Wall, Jon Snow and Tormund "Beardo" Giantsbane arrive at Hardhome, which looks like Wildling Cape Town: on the bay, surrounded by mountains, most of the population kept out of the actual town.
They step ashore with their small contingent of Wildlings and Crows to find themselves face to face with the Lord of Bones, who wastes no time in dissing Beardo's efforts from S04E09. Beardo's like, "Look, we Wildlings are not, as it turns out, great at ice climbing. We're awesome at beer pong, but that just didn't come into play during the fight." Jon interjects, "We're allies now." Bones turns to Beardo ad goes, "You fucking traitor! When you're done talking, do you get down on your knees and suck his fucking co---"
Beardo interrupts the Lord of Bones by beating him to death.
Jon addresses the Wildling leaders: "We're not friends, but you guys need to haul ass south of The Wall so we can team up against the ice zombies. Here, I brought y'all some Kryptonite to use against those things if you join us. You can resettle on actual farmland if you fight alongside the Crows."
Jon's revelation that he was the one who killed Mance Rayder isn't helping: context would've maybe helped. Beardo supplies it on Jon's behalf. Finally, Jon's like,
It kinda worked: a few of the Wildlings agree to join Team Crow, and even the giant in the corner was like, "... and my axe!"
But the Thenn calls bullshit and walks out... followed by most of the others. One remaining Wildling woman turns to Beardo and says, "I fucking hate Thenns!"
Jon reckons about 5,000 Wildlings are coming South, but worries that too many are being left behind. Hey, man, they're Free Folk. That means you're not the boss of them.
They're wrapping things up at Hardhome City Hall, when Eddison Tollet stares awkwardly at the giant...
... Because I know it isn't good
Then the dogs start barking, which is Game of Thrones-speak for "Oh, sheeeeeiiiit." Outside, Jon Snow can faintly hear a familiar bassline...
What looks like an avalanche is spilling over the mountains towards the town... but it's no avalanche. It's an ice-zombie onslaught.
These must be the “grumpkins and snarks” of which Cersei Lannister was so dismissive is S02E02.