Game of Thrones S05E07 recap and review: 'The Gift' (Spoiler alert)

Oh.
Oh, my.
It's the recap and review of Game of Thrones S05E07.

(Page 3 of 4)

Someone buys Jorah, and Tyrion insists on being part of a package deal. The Imp says he's a great fighter as well, illustrating his spurious point by arbitrarily beating the shit out of the slaver holding his chain.

The guy who bought Jorah gives the slaver, like, two bucks for Tyrion, who tries to negotiate his and Jorah's freedom. No dice. Well, their new owner gives Tyrion and Jorah each a quarter, presumably to call someone who cares.

Wedding/ Planner

Team Dragon Mama! Daenerys Targaryen has just had HBO sex with Daario the Lothario, and exposits that her upcoming marriage is solely political.

Daario says, "If you won't marry me, then at least take my advice: On the day you reopen the Thunderdome, just kill all the power players in Mereen." Dani says, "I'm not a butcher." Daario is like, "You're either a butcher or you're meat."

Smash the system

In King's Landing, Lady Olenna "Awesome" Tyrell Wastes no time in talking shit to the High Septon (formerly known as the High Sparrow). She calls him out on his "man of the people" BS. The High Septon insists that he only serves the gods. Olenna says King's Landing is shoulder-to-shoulder with criminals and scumbags, "yet you punish Loras for shagging some perfumed ponce, and Margaery for defending her brother?" She totally stole that line from Withnail and I. Her threat to cut off House Lannister from House Tyrell's money doesn't work: he points out that the rich are few and the poor are many. If the many stop fearing the few, then it's Game Over for the rich.

On the way out of the sept, Olenna gets a text from Petyr Baelish. She smiles.

Call the waaaaahmbulance

King Tommen Baratheon is whining to mum about how he can't do anything to help his wife Margaery. Cersei is pretending to give a rhymes-with-cluck.

Cersei is like, "You can't blame yourself for fate (even if it was me and not fate)." Tommen says he'll go full Joffrey and wipe out the Sparrows. Cersei warns him that Margaery would die in the process. Better, she says, to let her speak to the High Sparrow/High Septon/High Whatever on his behalf. She tells him she'd do anything for her children: "I would burn cities to the ground." She's telling the truth, too; well, most of a truth, anyway.

Dorne! Hey, Jaime Lannister isn't in jail. Rather, he's in what looks like the Raffles hotel, gazing out the window and presumably thinking about banging his sister and/or Brienne of Tarth. In comes the Areo,Captain of the Guard, with Myrcella Baratheon in tow. Myrcella says to her uncle, "You look different than when I left. You had more hair." He adds, "And more hands." Myrcella is wondering why the hell Jaime is even in Dorne. He tells her that it's too dangerous for to stay here. "Myrcella is like, "Nope, I love Trystane and we're getting married and we're staying. There's no need to argue, uncles/parents just don't understand." Then she storms out, leaving Jaime going, "??!??"

Orange is the New Black S03?

As for Bronn, well, he is in jail. He's singing a bawdy song to troll the Sand Snakes, who are in the cell across the hall. They're fans of his singing, actually. They trade barbs about who won their fight from the last episode. One of the Sand Snakes is like, "How's yer arm?" Bronn's like, "I'll be leaving Dorne with a dope scar."

Then one of the Sand Snakes starts stripping for Bronn and asks, "Am I not the hottest chick you've, like, ever seen?" Her sisters are like, "Pssh, here she goes again." The Sand Snake is getting Bronn's pulse racing... because of the poison coursing through his veins. It's called "The Long Farewell". Kind of a cool name for a poison.

The Snake holds out what she says is the antidote, asking Bronn who's the hottest chick in the world. Bronn's like, "Urrggghhhhghhh..."

Bronn gasps, "You!" She throws him the antidote, which is actually an antidote, and not some twisted joke! Directed by M. Night Shyamalan! She tells Bronn that he ain't so bad-lookin' himself.

Olenna Tyrell is meeting Petyr Baelish in his ransacked brothel. It's horrible: his porn has been defaced. Littlefinger laments, "We were inventing whole new fetishes here!" Olenna is like, "Whatever, STFU. Look, we killed Joffrey. If you try to double-cross me, you'll disappear like Jimmy Hoffa. Now WTF are you doing here?"

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