Game of Thrones S05E07 recap and review: 'The Gift' (Spoiler alert)

Oh.
Oh, my.
It's the recap and review of Game of Thrones S05E07.

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As Hobbit tells her about how Stannis Baratheon and Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism is marching south, Sansa deftly grabs a spike that was conveniently placed on a nearby barrel. Hobbit reckons TSWRF can't handle the cold. "But what about your stepmother's baby," asks Sansa, "won't he (if he's a he) have a stronger claim to the title of 'Warden of the North' than you, you bastard (used, in this case, in its strictest definition)?" Sure, Ramsay Snow is now Ramsay Bolton, but he was naturalized by Tommen Baratheon, notes Sansa: "another bastard."

"Ah, but [SPOILER ALERT] your half-brother Jon Snow did okay: he's Lord Commander of the Night's Watch now. Oh, and [SPOILER ALERT] Reek told me about your plan to escape and gave up the candle like a little bitch and I skinned that one old lady who was gonna help you."

As Sansa is escorted back to her chamber, Psycho Hobbit smiles evilly to nobody in particular, for no particular reason.

Even a miracle needs a hand

Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism! Sure enough, Stannis
Baratheon's army is freezing its collective ass off. Ser Davos Seaworth tells Stannis and Melisandre, "This is worse than the Bastogne episode from 'Band of Brothers'. Horses are dying, men are starving, and 500 of our sellswords have abandoned us."

Stannis is like, "Look, we're marching to Winterfell, full fucking stop. If we go back to Castle Black for the winter, we'll be there for years. No way." Davos is about to say something, but he looks over at Melisandre, who appears to be thinking sexy witch thoughts. He turns and leaves.

Melisandre reassures Stannis, "You saw it, when you looked into the flames: a great battle in the snow. Sure, it was that epic ice battle scene from Alexander Nevsky, but you get the idea. Trust yourself." Stannis asks, "Do you trust yourself?" Melisandre non-answers, "I trust in the Lord." She's like Raymond Reddington in The Blacklist, never answering anybody's questions, always redirecting with random stuff. His nickname is Red, come to think of it.

Melisandre says to Stannis, "Hang on, before we bang on the map table, you should consider using your daughter Shireen's blood to fuel some witchy, witchy magic to help us win." Stannis says, and I quote, "There must be another way. Leeches or something." Melisandre is like, "Nah. It's gotta be Shireen. If you want to win, you must act soon." Stannis orders her out of the tent.

Lobo fantastico

Up at Castle Black, Gilly is cornered by two Crows determined to have their way with her. Remember, the Night's Watch is mostly made up of rapists, so maybe giving Gilly all this alone-time was never such a good call. As the Crows make their move, in comes Samwell, sword drawn. It doesn't go well, as one of the Crows viciously beats Sam while the other grabs Gilly. Sam gets up, beaten and bloody but unbroken: "I killed a White Walker. I killed a Thenn. I'll take my chances with you."

But it's not Sam that's got these two Crows shaking with fear... it's the badass Dire Wolf that emerges snarling from the shadows like a boss!

That's right, it's Ghost, Jon Snow's Dire Wolf. Ghost lunges like the snarling lupine killing machine he is, and the two Crows run off in abject trouser-soiling  terror. Meanwhile, I'm running around in front of my screen, screaming through tears of joy.

Meanwhile, Sam collapses. Later, Gilly tells him he's not a fighter, and he should just leave things alone. Then they make out because Gilly can't resist Samwell's manly mouthful of blood. Then Gilly shags Sam and I run around screaming through tears of joy again because Samwell Tarly too awesome for me to even handle right now. This is what he says while getting laid:

Sorry, this is too much awesomeness for me to handle a two-minute timeframe. I need a sec.

Okay, I'm back. Thanks for your patience. Let's continue.

A bargain at twice the price

Across the Narrow Sea, the slavers have brought Ser Jorah Mormont and Tyrion Lannister to market, so Jorah Mormont can enter the fighting pits.

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