Game of Thrones S05 precap: Getting Ready for S05E01

Game of Thrones S05 premieres April 12. Let's get ready.

Weirdness and beardness: Tyrion Lannister is on-trend for Game of Thrones Season 5.

Hello, Dire Wolf Fans! The Game of Thrones Season 5 premiere is only a few weeks away. It's not too early to take stock of where our favorite characters are, or what's in store for them. For this precap (because precaps are a thing as of right now), let’s roll with the 1960s-style Game of Thrones intro.

George R.R. Martin said that HBO’s Game of Thrones is gonna start killing characters that don't die in the books. So all bets are off in terms of book-readers knowing whose head will remain attached to whose shoulders. Also, your feelings not only mean nothing to George R.R. Martin, but they also mean nothing to showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss. So go chew on that.

Also, we know that Game of Thrones will spend a bit more time in warmer climates, so pack your Wayfarers. They never go out of style, standing the test of time in a way that Oakley Razor Blades never quite could.

Previous-season spoilers lurk below, just so you know. Okay, let's get into it.

Tyrion unboxed

Tyrion Lannister is locked in a crate, with only cough syrup and a bottle of that shitty sweet-and-sour mix you get in cheap margaritas. He’ll come up rough on the other side. Having murdered his ex-girlfriend and shot his dad on the toilet, Tyrion is appearing on Westeros’ Most Wanted as he flees across the ocean with Varys the Spider. We know from the S05 trailer that he’ll emerge with an on-trend beard, and perhaps he’ll acquire a lumberjack shirt once he gets to Essos.

From there, it’s hinted that Tyrion and Varys will at least entertain the notion of joining Team Dragon Mama. Hopefully they’re ready to slog through some City Council meetings.

The long walk

Brienne of Tarth is probably going to head up to Castle Black in search of Sansa Stark, whom she presumes to be hiding in what passes for relative safety in this ridiculously dangerous place. Of course, Sansa is, like, ten feet away, at the Eyrie.

Meanwhile, faithful squire Podrick Payne is determined to no longer be the Left Shark after witnessing Brienne of Tarth punch Sandor “The Hound” Clegane off a cliff in the most brutal fight we’ve yet seen.

Meanwhile, the Hound totally survived. I can feel it. #ShowMeTheDeathCertificate

I bet Podrick has not mentioned the circumstances of his virginity loss to Brienne. Because he wants to keep being alive. Oh, and he’ll still be carrying their saddlebags after taking the blame for losing their horses. It’s great fitness training, though. Game of Thrones: the most terrifying of Crossfit workouts.

Pulling the strings

The Stark Rebellion is history (well, historical fantasy), and nobody has any reason to believe that Team Dragon Mama will be setting sail anytime soon. Meanwhile, Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism has been wooing investment capital and thus have been out of sight. So Cersei Lannister is, for the moment, unopposed in ruling the kingdom via her son Tommen Baratheon. As Queen Regent and head of House Lannister, she's like the Vladimir Putin of Westeros. She'll probably outsource the bear-wrestling, though.

Bad sh!t is always just around the corner in Westeros, so Cersei has been ordering in pizza and binge-watching Once Upon a Time. You know, for an Evil Queen masterclass. That whole ripping-people’s-hearts-out-and-showing-it-to-them thing is freakin’ awesome.

 

Meanwhile, Jaime Lannister has rekindled his relationship with his girlfriend/sister. We know Jaime will head to Dorne, in order to mend fences over the death of Oberyn Martell. He’s hoping that Shrek is still huge down there.

 

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