Game of Thrones S04E03 recap and review: 'Breaker of Chains'

Game of Thrones is back with 'Breaker of Chains'. Can they top last week's WTF-fest? Catch the S04E03 recap and review right here.

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So, who killed Joffrey? Everyone at the wedding had motive. Besides, Melisandre got on with (and off on) a few human sacrifices. You can’t have TSWRF without the Witch, so let’s not rule out… whatever it is she does.

Who's hungry?

Oop north, a dad and his son are having a happy conversation about lunch, which means something awful is about to happen. Sure enough, *THWAP!* Arrow to the back of the dad's head, delivered courtesy of a certain Ygritte.

Cherlene from 'Archer Vice'

Wildling Team Six and the Thenn attack the town, killing anything that screams. So, everything. The Thenn leader keeps one kid alive, just to tell him that he's going to eat his parents in front of him.

Thenn

The Thenn then gives the kid a message for the Crows:

Loose ends

Well, that was fast. The kid got to Castle Black in less than a second, since the Crows are already debating how to react.

You know noothin', Jon Snow!

Jon Snow says that Mance Rayder's army is too massive to ignore, so they should stick with defending the Wall. Just then, some Rangers return from the Frozone, and they're in rough shape.

Remember Kamp Kreepy, where Kraster would rape anything that shared his surname? Well, apparently the Crow mutineers are even worse. That's from where these Rangers have just escaped.

Jon changes his tune instantly, suggesting they ride up and whup some ass. This is because, once Mance Rayder hits Kamp Kreepy, the mutineers will tell him all about how big the Night's Watch isn't.

Dick-measuring contest

Team Dragon Mama! Daenerys targaryen and her army have reached the gates of Mereen.

Daenerys Targaryen

Meereen sends out a single champion, who proceeds to take a piss on the ground.

Mereen

She3PO translates the champion's uric display as saying that Team Dragon Mama is "an army of men without man-parts"; and that Dani is not a woman, but a guy who's hiding his johnson up his own ass. Part One of that statement is mostly true, but still. Dude.

Dani needs a champion. Grey Worm, Ser Berristan Selmy, and Ser Jorah Mormont all volunteer. She needs them leading the Unsullied, by her side, and in the Friend Zone, respectively. Daario the Lothario volunteers, because YOLO. Okay, let's do this.

Daenerys and Daario

Daario's method for fighting a mounted knight lance:

  1. Stand there looking cool.
  2. Pull out knife.
  3. Kiss knife.
  4. Throw knife into horse's eye.
  5. Kill dismounted knight with scimitar.

If executed correctly, this technique will win the fight and impress the Dragon Mama. It was, and it did. The Meereen soldiers fire a few arrows from the battlements, and Daario responds by whipping out his unit and having a slash.

Daenerys tells the people of Meereen, “Team Dragon Mama, yo! Read Jordan's recaps if you haven't heard of us. The short version: I'll set you free!”

Then she orders the Unsullied to fire the catapults. Their payloads: the broken collars of the slaves she's freed.

Game of Thrones S04E03 review

This episode saw King's Landing get even more dangerous and cruel than ever before. Tywin is now my prime suspect in the murder of Joffrey Baratheon, mainly because of how efficiently he's lining things up to railroad his son Tyrion for the crime.

Also, the Jaime-Cersei rape scene. Holy crap. Their relationship has changed yet again: first they were semi-secret lovers, then estranged parents of a high-maintenance douchesnorkel. Now they're rapist and victim. Furthermore, we as an audience are now challenged to deal with Jaime in a new way. Just when he was gaining sympathy from us, his likeability gets Ned Starked.

Though ostensibly an episode about the aftermath of a poisoning, "Game of Thrones" S04E03 dwelt very heavily on rape. Thematically it makes sense, since sexual violence is Westeros' national sport; and we're getting deeper into the kingdom's gloomy basement of horrors. Who knows how much further down it goes. (Well, book-readers know, but they're not telling, because they're polite fans; isn't that right? Yes.)

I give this episode four dusty pools of piss out of a possible five. What did you think? Share your thoughts (but not your piss) in the comments section, but, please, no future spoilers.

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