Game of Thrones S04E03 recap and review: 'Breaker of Chains'

Game of Thrones is back with 'Breaker of Chains'. Can they top last week's WTF-fest? Catch the S04E03 recap and review right here.

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Strange bedfellows

Speaking of the L-word, It's time to check in with Ellaria Sand! She's currently getting serviced by a few whores as she hooks up with Oberyn Martell, who is is in turn hooking up with the guy who runs Petyr Baelish's brothel. It's a... hang on, let me count... fivesome. Oberyn and Ellaria take HBO-sex to an industrial scale.

Oberyn and Elalria

The brothel dude asks Oberyn if he's truly bisexual. Oberyn is like, "Well, I'd say I'm a three on the Kinsey Scale, so yeah. I'm what you'd colloquially call 'bi'."

He adds, "When it comes to war, I fight for Dornn. When it comes to lauvv, I don't choose sides." That's a pretty cool line.

Hang on a sec. Look carefully at Ellaria and Oberyn. Do you see what I see?

Ellaria and Oberyn are basically Prince

Tywin Lannister barges in with some industrial-scale cock-blocking, ordering the ho's of both genders to leave.

Tywin Lannister

Oberyn offers his faux-condolences for Joffrey's demise. Tywin is playing detective: turns out Oberyn studied poisons in college. Even now, he's vaguely threatening Tywin, but the Lannister patriarch is still pushing the Tyrion angle.

Tywin denies ordering Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane to rape and kill Oberyn's sister.

Tywin Lannister

He offers to set up what will surely be a calm and reasoned discussion between Oberyn and The Mountain, but he wants something in return. He wants Oberyn to act as a judge in Tyrion's trial. (Tywin will preside, and Mace Tyrell will be the third judge. So, totally impartial.) But there's more: he'll also invite Oberyn to sit on the Small Council when Tommen assumes the throne.

Tywin reasons that, between the wildlings and the Greyjoy rebellion and Team Dragon Mama, the Lannisters are gonna need Dornn on their side. Turns out that only Dornn was able to fight off dragons when last the mythical beasts flapped their wings over Westeros.

This just sucks

Tyrion Lannister is in a jail cell. Podrick Payne visits him, smuggling in some fine food and writing implements. The wine got confiscated, though.

Podrick delivers some exposition: the Tyrion Trial will be in two weeks. CNN will probably cover it 24/7, complete with spurious "poisoning experts". Tyrion acknowledges that the world is better off without Little King Asshat, and I nod in agreement. Still, if he were to plan an assassination, he'd do a better job of covering up his own involvement.

Pod breaks the news about the judges. Oh, and Sansa Stark, who would have been Tyrion's star witness, is gone. While Sansa would have heaps of motive, Tyrion notes she's more about sheep-shifting than wine-poisoning. Hell, reckons Tyrion, maybe Tywin himself was behind it: Tommen is easier to deal with than Joffrey.

The only person Tyrion doesn't suspect is Cersei, "which makes it unique as murders in King's Landing go."

Tyrion Lannister

Shae's gone, and Bronn's under investigation. Oh, and it gets worse: Podrick was offered a knighthood in exchange for testifying against Tyrion. He was told to say that Tyrion bought a poison called "The Strangler". That's funny, I thought it was this stuff that killed Joffrey:

At any rate, Tyrion straight-up orders Pod to take the deal, so that "they" don't kill him before his true potential as the LLCoolJ of Westeros can be fulfilled. Tyrion tells Podrick to send for Jaime and then get the hell out of Dodge.

Their farewell was tough to watch: these two guys were mostly a comedy team for as long as they've been together, but they genuinely have each other's backs.

Podrick Payne and Tyrion Lannister

Podrick leaves Tyrion alone to contemplate just how profoundly screwed he really is.

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