Game of Thrones S04E03 recap and review: 'Breaker of Chains'

Game of Thrones is back with 'Breaker of Chains'. Can they top last week's WTF-fest? Catch the S04E03 recap and review right here.

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The farmer wants to hire The Hound as a one-man A-Team to protect him and his daughter from the raiders associated with House Frey. The Hound is like, "Two of my favorite things: getting paid and savagely kicking people's asses. I'm in." Arya is unsure how this fits in with her ransom.

The next morning, Sandor Clegane just straight-up robs the farmer. Arya is like, "What happened to you not being a robber?" The Hound is all, "He'll be dead by winter." That's a weak argument, if you think about it for even one second: everybody dies. Arya screams, "You're the worst shit in the Seven Kingdoms!" The Hound defends his actions as pragmatic: "How many Starks have they got to behead before you figure it out?" #TooSoon

I don't want you to get smurfed

At Castle Black, we find that most of the Night's Watch are rapists. Two officers wind up Samwell Tarly about Gilly, his "wildling whore". They're  lso calling BS on his having killed a White Walker.

Gilly and Samwell discuss the world "wildling". Is it, like, racist? Gilly reckons it makes her sound a bit dang'rous.

Gilly and Samwell

Samwell worries about Gilly's safety at Castle Black, since she's basically Smurfette up there. "A hundred lonely and socially-challenged dudes are picturing you each night as they flog the dog, you know that, right?" Gilly asks, "Well, what about you?"

Samwell Tarly

Sam tells Gilly that some of the Crows were thieves before taking the Black, and some of them were rapists. Well, the beginning of this scene suggests that almost all of them are rapists. It was a small sample size, but indicative of a trend.

Anyway, Sam wants to move Gilly to Mole's Town, but Gilly thinks he's bored of her. Since her entire life consisted of forced incest, she doesn't recognize puppy-dog eyes when she sees them. Awww. How is Samwell Tarly not the most lovable guy in the entire kingdom?

The pen is mightier than the leech

Team Sexy Witch Religious Fundamentalism! Stannis Baratheon is telling Davos Seaworth the good news about Joffrey.

Stannis is like, "See? Remember the thing with the leeches? What part of 'sexy witch' are you having trouble accepting? I ask because you set Gendry free, and his blood was like a freakin' cheat code! Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A!"

Davos is all, "You're operating under a logical fallacy called 'confirmation bias', in which... look, never mind. I'm rallying lsome troops, but we should hire some sellswords."

Stannis bristles at the notion of hiring mercenaries.

Davos Seaworth

Davos concedes that Melisandre's magic (or whatever it is) may be real, but only soldiers can win a war.  Stannis asserts that, should his claim on the Iron Throne be forgotten, then Davos is dead meat.

Now poor Davos is stressed when he shows up for his reading lesson with Shireen Baratheon. She teases him for pronouncing "knight" as "ker-niggit".

Shireen asks what it was like being a pirate. Davos replies, "Nah, Captain Jack Sparrow is a pirate. I'm more like Han Solo. You know, a smuggler." He launches into a story about his younger days at sea, and then gets a brilliant idea. He has Shireen write a letter to the Iron Bank of Bravos on behalf of Stannis. Remember, the Lannisters owe shitloads of money to the Iron Bank. Unless Tywin plans on charging people a buck to take a selfie with his grandson’s corpse, that debt is a major weakness for the family holding the Iron Throne.

New in town

Samwell takes Gilly to Mole's Town, installing her in that one brothel to work as a nanny and cleaner. The proprietress wants to turn Gilly out as a whore. Sam is like, "Why is it always 'whore this' and 'whore that' with people?!"

(Is leaving the woman you love at a whorehouse down the street from a castle full of rapists such a great idea? Especially since Gilly was outed as a wildling about three seconds after she arrived?)

Gilly doesn't want Sam to just ditch her at this place, which looks like every other chain tavern in Westeros. Samwell tells her it's for the best, but he still can't use the L-word.

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