Game of Thrones S04E01 recap and review: Season 4 premiere spoiler alert

Game of Thrones is back with 'Two Swords'. Catch the recap and review right here.

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Jon now must face the music for the death of Qorin Halfhand, and for apparently going native with the freefolk wildlings. He's like, "Hell to the yeah, I talk like a wildling! I even shagged one!"

The Night's Watch council (or whatever they're called) are like, "Whaaaaaa?!" They want to execute Jon for breaking his vow, but Maester Aemon is like, "Ain't no actual virgins among the Rangers... act like you know."

Jon's like, "Look, they got Thenns, they got giants, they got it all. Wildling Team Six is already south of The Wall as we speak. They're gonna wrap Castle Black in a burrito of pain." The council (or whatever they're called) decide not to execute him.

Jon Snow had the perfect chance to say, "Winter is coming", and he blew it.

Statuesque

Lady Olenna "Awesome" Tyrell is helping Margaery Tyrell pick out a necklace for her wedding to Little Mister Asshat. None of the necklace are good enough for Olenna.

Olenna Tyrell

As Olenna is arning Margaery not to diss Joffrey within the walls of King's Landing, Brienne of Tarth shows up. Olenna describes Brienne as "marvelous".

Brienne of Tarth

Brienne pulls Margaery aside to warn her of Melisandre's dementor-child, the one who killed Renly Baratheon. Brienne said it had Stannis Baratheon's face; I don't remember it even having a discernible face, but I'm not going to argue with Brienne. Also, I'm too distracted by a horrible statue of Joffrey that popped up at some point in the last few weeks...

Fuck you, Joffrey!

Curriculum vitae

Speaking of smug little shits whose heads should be on pikes, look, it's Joffrey Baratheon! He's trying to look competent as Jaime lays out the security plan for the Royal Wedding, which is only two weeks away. A tough task when the entire planet wants him dead.

For his part, Joffrey doesn't expect any trouble. Aww, bless.

Joffrey Baratheon

Joffrey is teasing Jaime for not having more deeds recorded in a big ol' tome of knightly deeds. Jaime is miffed: "It's a shared document. Someone with edit permissions will update it." Also, Jaime is 40? What's the average life expectancy in Westeros?

As for not having a right hand, Jaime blatantly references "The Princess Bride" in saying that using his left makes for more of a contest.

Anyway, here's Jaime Lannister's LinkedIn profile:

Signposts

Across the sea, Daenerys and She3PO are passing the Bechdel Test, discussing how to take over the slaving capitol of Meereen.

Then –– I shit you not –– this happens.

Okay, this is definitely Daario the Lothario. Talk about trying too hard. It goes as well as you might expect. Turns out, though, that Daario's breathtakingly weak game also serves a strategic purpose: in learning about the local flora, Dani can supposedly get to know the local people. Or something like that. Dani takes the flowers. I really hope Jorah didn't see that.

What Jorah did see, though, is a crucified corpse along the road to Meereen. Apparently there are 163 more just like it. Khaleesi insists that looking upon them will only strengthen her resolve.

Thanks, lady

Brienne and Jaime are watching Sansa as she sits by the seashore. They're bickering over Jaime's promise to keep the Stark girls safe. Jaime reckons that A) Arya is probably dead, B) Sansa is safer in King's Landing than she'd be in Winterfell, and C) Brienne isn't pretty enough to be a Lannister. These two remain the best action/comedy team in Westeros.

Sansa, meanwhile, is getting stalked by a drunk guy. It's Dontos Hollard, that guy that Joffrey demoted from knight to clown in Season 1. (Sansa convinced Joffrey to spare Dontos' life, backed up by The Hound.)

Sansa's intervention kept him disgraced but alive, so he gives her a necklace that belonged to his mum. She agrees to wear it.

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