Game of Thrones S04E01 recap and review: Season 4 premiere spoiler alert

Game of Thrones is back with 'Two Swords'. Catch the recap and review right here.

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#FML

Sansa Stark is in a funk, mainly because she's Sansa Stark and her life fully sucks. Shae is trying to cheer her up with pigeon pie, but for some reason it's not working.

Tyrion arrives and shares a wordless... not a fight, exactly, but a wordless tense discussion with Shae, who still believes that Tyrion is putting the wood to Sansa.

Shae and Tyrion

Sansa can't sleep, playing over the events of S03E09 over and over, just like the rest of us have been doing. Tyrion tries to reassure her, saying that he admired Catelyn and heard good things about Robb. Peter Dinklage knocks this scene out of the park: you can see him thinking, watching his wife's reactions, readjusting his speech on the fly. Alas, it doesn't work.

Tyrion goes back to his room to find a naked Shae waiting for him. It only goes to show how messed up everything has gotten that this is not a good thing.

Shae

Shae is like, "Let's knock boots!" Tyrion is like, "I'm about to become the main ingredient in a murder sandwich with extra Oberyn!"

Words I never thought I'd type: Tyrion Lannister turns down a sexual encounter. Shae is incensed, accusing him of loving Sansa (Tyrion is like, "Ew!"), and trying to ship her off with a fistful of diamonds. Tyrion denies this last part, but can't bring himself to ask her to stay. Shae storms off, spotted by a blonde spy as she leaves.

The pimp hand

Gold teeth are so Nineties: Jaime Lannister is getting fitted with a gold hand. Qyburn, who played medical droid to Jaime's Luke Skywalker at Harrenhal, has made his way to King's Landing. 

Apparently an "Arrested Development" fan, Jaime reckons a hook would be more practical.

Jaime Lannister gold hand

Cersei Lannister sips her 11am glass of wine and tells her brother that it looks elegant.

As the not-quite-a-doctor leaves, Cersei thanks him for helping with "the other matter" (What other matter? An abortion, maybe?), and Jaime waves him off with an ironic gold-hand wave. It's all elbow.

Cersei is in #FML mode, too, lamenting how her son is marrying a "wicked little bitch from Highgarden, while I'm supposed to marry her brother, a renowned pillow-biter." That's homophobic.

Jaime says that he's only staying to keep banging his sister, which only fuels the furor of Jaime-Brienne shippers the world over... especially once they find out that Cersei and Jamie have not yet bumped uglies in the several weeks since he returned.

Cersei is not being fair about this, blaming Jamie for getting taken prisoner, and then for taking too long to get back. Come on, Cersei. There were bears. Bears.

Jaime now gets the impression he's been replaced. It's not conscious uncoupling if only one partner is doing the uncoupling.

Just then, the blonde spy comes in to report what happened with Shae and Tyrion. Hey, Jaime, while you were gone, Cersei started a King's Landing TMZ.

We stare because we care

Wildling Team Six! Ygritte is making arrows while chastising Tormund Giantsbane, the wildling that looks like one of the members of the Fleet Foxes. Tormund wants to wait for Mance Rayder's orders before attacking Castle Black. Ygritte reckons that the messenger they sent back over The Wall isn't coming back. Seeing the way the wildlings climb, I'm guessing Ygritte might be right.

Tormund accuses Ygritte of purposely not killing Jon Snow. Just then, more wildlings show up. Thenns. Tormund fucking hates Thenns. Remember how all the wildling groups hate one another? Especially the Cave People. Cave People, amirite?

Ygritte

The Thenns are into decorative scarring and menacing stares. They also don't understand that "eating crow" means "apologizing publicly against one's will", and not... eating Crow.

Thenns

Yeah, I tapped that

At Castle Black, the Crows are practicing short-range archery as Jon Snow talks to Samwell Tarly about his jealousy of Robb.

Jon Snow

Samwell admits his own jealousy of Jon.

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