Game of Thrones S04E01 recap and review: Season 4 premiere spoiler alert

Game of Thrones is back with 'Two Swords'. Catch the recap and review right here.

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That's fucked up

Aaaand there's Oberyn. At Littlefinger's brothel. He looks like Ashur from "Spartacus: Blood and Sand", right?

He's indeed hanging out in a brothel, along with Ellaria Sand (Indira Varma!). Her accent is sort of Russian, sort of Spanish. She says the woman Oberyn is inspecting looks timid, and "Teemeed bores mi."

Ellaria Sand

Oberyn makes sure that Season 4 gets its first full frontal female nudity at 10 minutes into the episode. Oh, and it turns out he's selecting this particular prostitute for a threesome with himself and Ellaria.

Jayne

The second woman is less teemeed, and a lot more flexible: Varma is having way more fun on this show than she did on "Luther". In a bit of foreplay-sposition, she explains to the guy running the brothel that she's a bastard. So Sand is a bastard surname like Snow.

Oh, it gets even better. Oberyn insists that the proprietor stick around as well. His exact words are, "Take off your clothes." The proprietor is like, "Which way do you like it?" Oberyn grabs a handful of the guy's jank and replies, "... My way!"

I dunno, maybe Oberyn is the coolest thing that's ever happened to King's Landing. Maybe he and Tyrion need to meet up and go bowling.

Or maybe not. Oberyn hears somebody singing "The Rains of Castamere" and gets an even creepier, more vacant look on his face. Ellaria is like, "Oh, not again..." as he ditches the foursome and seeks out the source of the singing.

It's not that Oberyn was one of the guys in the Red Wedding reaction videos, just that he freakin' hates Lannisters. The Lannisters he confronts aren't fond of Dornishmen, either, and they start in with the politically-incorrect jokes. Turns out that Oberyn has a joke of his own...

Oberyn Martell

Tyrion interrupts the scene, so Oberyn removes the knife from the dude's hand and starts making out with Ellaria. Tyrion is like, O_o.

Oberyn suggests, like, a ten-some, but Tyrion would prefer a word alone. In the alley, Oberyn gives us some backstory: The overthrow of the Mad King was sparked by his leaving his wife, who happened to be Oberyn's sister. Her kids were slaughtered in the taking of King's Landing. Oh, and rumor has it that Gregor "The Mountain" Cleganne raped Oberyn's sister and then cut her in half, on Tywin's orders.

Oberyn and Tyrion

So, probably no bowling, then. Oberyn tells Tyrion, "Tell your father I'm here, and tell him the Lannisters aren't he only ones who pay their debts."

How to train your dragon

Team Dragon Mama! Danaerys Targaryen is hanging out with her dragons on a picturesque coastline. One rests its head in her lap as the other two fly around. "Frolicking" is the correct word, I believe, albeit frolicking with a dead goat. Jorah Mormont looks at this lovely tableau with bittersweet longing.

Daenerys Targaryen: Khaleesi

Those dragons are getting big. Daenerys tries to soothe one of the dragons as it fights with its siblings over the dead goat; it turns and snaps at her. They fly off, leaving the Dragon Mama visibly shaken. Jorah says, "They're dragons, Khaleesi. They can never be tamed."

Dani and Jorah go down to meet Ser Berristan Selmy and Missandei She3PO. Turns out Grey Worm is off gambling with Daario the Lothario. This the same Daario the Lothario from the other season, played by a different actor, right?. Otherwise, is Daario just a trendy name, like Wyatt or Hunter?

They're seeing which one can hold his sword out the longest. Dani calls it "a stupid contest", and it's hard to argue.

 Grey Worm

Seems like Grey Worm fancies Dani. Daario is like, "Get in line, bru. Oh, but it'd help to have a you-know-what, and some you-know-whos." Grey Worm is like, ಠ_ಠ.

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