Game of Thrones S04E01 recap and review: Season 4 premiere spoiler alert

Game of Thrones is back with 'Two Swords'. Catch the recap and review right here.

Team Dragon Mama is back for 'Game of Thrones' Season 4.

Game of Thrones S04E01: 'Two Swords' recap

Welcome back, Dire Wolf fans! Oh, how I've missed you. Here you’ll find the recap and review for “Game of Thrones” S04E01, titled “Two Swords". This is the Season 4 premiere.

We last left Jon Snow pincushioned by his ex; Daenerys Targaryen crowdsurfing; Theon Greyjoy... well, let's not talk about that; and the Stark Rebellion basically obliterated. Arya Stark is on the road with Sandor "The Hound" Cleganne, and Joffrey "Douchecanoe" Baratheon will walk down the aisle with Margaery Tyrell. Whatever she has in mind, it cannot possibly be worth it.

Bran Stark heads into the Frozone, while Jorah Mormont languishes in the Friend Zone. As for Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth...

In case you're new to this, major spoiler alert.

Okay, let's get into it.

Meltdown

We open with Ned Stark's big-ass sword in its wolf-scabbard. Tywin Lannister has taken it to some artisanal small-batch swordmakers, who melt it down and re-cast it as two smaller-ass swords. As for the wolf pelt, Tywin chucks it into the fire.

Tywin Lannister

Cue that clockwork opening sequence that we've all missed so much. King's Landing (The Lannisters), Dragonstone (TSWRF), the Dreadfort (House Bolton), Winterfell (what's left of the Starks), Castle Black (the Night's Watch), and Meereen (Team Dragon Mama). Did we fly the other way around the world to get to Team Dragon Mama? I guess it's like flying from New York to Hong Kong, just pick a direction and hope for a decent movie selection.

No ambition

Jaime Lannister, clean-shaven and dressed in family-appropriate armor, is hefting his new sword, one of the two made from Ned's weapon.

Jaime Lannister

It's Valyrian steel, which only a few hipster smiths know how to work. (There's also valyriansteel.com, seriously, which makes Game of Thrones memorabilia.) Jaimie is like, "Where did you get this much Valyrian steel?" Tywin is all, "From someone who no longer had need of it." #TooSoon #RIPNedStark

Tywin says that the "absurdly large" sword is now two. Taking a cue from "Lost", Jaime doesn't ask the obvious follow-up question: who gets the other one? Anyway, Tywin says that Jaime will have to train his left hand. Jaimie is like, "Nah, that's what Cersei is for A good swordsman knows how to use both hands."

Tywin tells Jaime that he can no longer serve in the King's Guard, due to the whole one-hand thing. Jaime points out that lots of people in King's Landing –– and everyone watching at home –– wants to see Joffrey's head on a pike. Tywin is sending Jaime to Casterly Rock to rule in his stead, but Jaime refuses. He doesn't want to run Casterly Rock, or a wife, or kids. Tywin asks Jamie what he does want.

Exasperated, Tywin is like, "Shit. Fine, Whatevs. Go be a bodyguard to your shithead son/brother. You make poor life choices, you know that?"

¡Bienvenidos a King's Landing!

Tyrioin "Impin' Ain't Easy" Lannister is hanging out with Bronn and Podrick Payne, waiting to meet the Prince of Dorne. Bronn is passing the time by drinking booze and telling dirty jokes. Podrick looks bored, Tyrion looks annoyed. Tyrion looks annoyed because it's a clown assignment: the Lannisters and the Martells are not super-close, for reasons we'll surely find out soon. Basically, in case things go sideways (which is a bit of a "Game of Thrones" tradition), Tyrion is the guy who gets killed, and not, oh, say, a child that Tywin actually gives a shit about.

However, the expected prince didn't show up, apparently due to ill health. Instead, they sent Prince Oberyn. Tyrion is like,

Tyrion Lannister

... So this Oberyn must be someone the Lannisters hoped wouldn't come. Turns out he already arrived before dawn. The Dornish guests breeze past Tyrion and his crew. Tyrion says that they gotta find this Oberyn cat right away, "Before he kills somebody, or several somebodies." The first place to check: the whorehouses, because "Game of Thrones".

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