How to be super stupid and super smart about the apocalypse

For those of you who continue to doubt the dangers of a zombie apocalypse, consider the following story. 26-year-old Jared Gurman of Long Island was arrested this week on a charge of attempted murder after shooting his girlfriend in the back. And the argument which led to this near-fatal tragedy? It was about AMC’s The Walking Dead.

It seems that Gurman was quite adamant that a zombie apocalypse is not only scientifically possible, but in fact only a military mishap away from reality. His girlfriend, 27-year-old Jessica Gelderman, doubted the scientific merit of his claim. “She felt,” says Nassau County Det. Ray Cote, “that it was ridiculous.”

The argument progressed and she finally dropped him off at home. After she left, the argument continued by text message, much the same as any mature, adult conversation. His text messages grew angrier, so she decided to return to his home in an attempt to calm him down. When she got there, Gurman, apparently eager to make his case, was waiting in front of his home with a loaded .22 calibre rifle.

Because nothing says “I’m not a conspiracy nut” like a loaded .22.

Seeing the gun, Gelderman attempted to leave, only to be shot in the back by Gurman, thus showing that he is not only intelligent but also courageous. The bullet pierced her lung and diaphragm, plus shattered a few ribs. Realizing that he had shot his girlfriend of four years (not a zombie), he then drove her to the hospital where he was arrested and charged with attempted murder. Meanwhile, Gelderman is in stable condition and Gurman, in retrospect (and to his credit), has admitted to being “an a--hole.”

There are some valuable lessons from this story. First, this is proof once again that the deadliest and most terrifying thing about the apocalypse isn’t the zombies (or aliens, or Morlocks, or whatever), it’s other people. Oof, the very thought gives me chills.

For Gurman, the lesson is two-fold. First, if someone doesn’t agree with you about the pending zombie apocalypse, that’s their problem. It’ll be their disemboweled, zombie-ridden corpse in the street, not yours. Second, if the girlfriend really isn’t about to concede the point, just let it go. When the zombies do come and civilization does in fact crumble, you will have, in your back pocket, an I-told-you-so of totally unprecedented proportions.

Contrary to this story, a healthy concern over the imminent End of Days need not turn us into chubby gun-toting idiots. In fact, it can be an opportunity to apply all of your nutritional know-how in new and clever ways.

Last time, I took an unconventional stance on stocking your apocalypse pantry. Gone was the standard reliance on canned goods and in its place we found beans, whole grains, nuts, and dried fruit. This time, I’d like to suggest a way that you can apply your knowledge of superfoods in an apocalyptic setting.

In fact, pretty much everything I already recommended is considered a superfood. However, I’m willing to bet that these are a few you had not yet considered.

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