2013 year of the aliens

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The structures on these microbes are reportedly seen “as indicating a low-gravity, low-pressure environment and rapid freeze-drying,” stuff that could only happen in space. Again, hard to get excited for some reason.

Author of the original extra-terrestrial claim, and world unpronounceable name champion, Professor Chandra Wickramasinghe, co-authored this recent study.

In response, critics have cited persistent methodological flaws, including a lack of proof that the rocks were actually pieces of the meteor, rather than plain old diatom-encrusted Earth rocks.

Others have questioned the Professor’s scruples. Some have also laughed.

Debunking just makes it worse

In slightly larger alien news, the famous six-inch tall “alien” skeleton appears to have been debunked. This has to be one of the weirdest stories in alien lore. Ever. This little skeleton, perfectly mummified, is half as tall as a standard ruler. Discovered a decade ago in a Chile's Atacama desert, it seemed a truly challenging piece of evidence for debunkers. I have personally been waiting patiently for someone to declare it a brilliant hoax.

That is, until a team at the Stanford School of Medicine, including director of stem cell biology Garry Nolan, tested it and revealed that it contains human DNA. In fact, after more consideration, they have declared it undeniably human.

Normally, this would put the issue to rest. Except when you consider that this means there was a six-inch-tall, fully developed human who lived and died “at least a few decades ago” somewhere between the ages of six and eight years old. There is no form of dwarfism, nor any other condition, which accounts for this. This would be a human who could make a spacious home within a large boot. So, there’s no alien, but it seems we’re related to Smurfs. Also, there are Smurfs.

Now, I’m just as disappointed as you about the aliens. Those poor, downtrodden conspiracy theorists just made a movie called Sirius which leans pretty hard on the tiny skeleton. However, I have to think they could salvage the whole thing. Just replace the word “alien” with “Smurf” throughout: done.

While the E.T. boosters may be sad, it’s an exciting day for Smurf conspiracy theorists. At last, we know that Smurfs have ten ribs (humans have 12) and that they share about 91% of our genetics (9% of the genes mismatched). Also, mitochondrial DNA suggests that the mother was a native Chilean, proving that humans can safely interbreed with Smurfs.

Of course, the ivory tower academics over at Stanford continue to ignore the merits of Smurf theory. Nolan insists “there is nothing that jumps out so far as to scream ‘nonhuman.’” Never mind that it’s about three apples tall and could live comfortably in a mushroom.

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