Hi reader. My name is Elianna Lev and I’m a good story. How’s that for an introduction? Too bold? That’s fair to think but you’re going to have to trust me on this one. I am a good story. You probably don’t know too much about me but that’ll change. To start you off, here are a few points you should know:
- I used to be a real journalist. I still do that kind of work here and there, and for that, I'm very grateful. But my heart is more interested in writing about things like this.
- As a result of my real journalism background, I ask a lot of questions. Usually probing and personal ones. I have a hard time bullshitting and I generally like to know what your story is within a few minutes of meeting you.
- I’m pretty much boy crazy. And not in a cute way. They are my vice. I am currently in therapy for this issue.
- This column was originally supposed to be called “I’m a Good Story and So Are You” but there wasn’t enough room in the header graphic. My friends happen to be some of the most talented, ambitious and interesting people around. Which is why I’m writing this column. To share their stories. And mine. Well, mostly mine but also theirs a bit too.
I decided to call my oldest and dearest friend, actor Chris Jacot, to help me with this monumental, inaugural entry. You might know him from guest appearances on every show that’s ever been shot in Vancouver and a bunch of Lifetime movies. He now lives in LA. I asked him what he thought people should know about me. Most of the stuff he said was crass, vulgar, embarrassing and insulting so I edited it down a lot.
Me: Hi Kissy!
Chris Jacot: What do you want?
Me: I’m writing a column and I need your help. If you were to tell someone who didn’t know me a few things that they should know about me, what would you say?
CJ: That you’re a virgin! That’s what I tell everybody. Oh, and that you have excessive body hair.
(NOTE: That’s actually no longer true. I spent a huge investment on laser hair removal. It was the best decision I've ever made.)
Me: That’s not what I’m trying to get at -
CJ: Oh, another thing I’d like people to know about you is that you’re a Jew. So no Jew comments. No anti-Semitic comments, because you’re a Jew.
Me: That’s not -
CJ: Oh, and you love to look up your name on Google.
Me: Everyone does.
CJ: Like, every day. To see what has conspired between you and the world.
Me: If you knew how to type, you’d probably do the same thing.
CJ: Oh, you have terrible table manners. Please write “slurp, slurp,” because people will think that you just can’t use a knife and fork but it’s more than that. You’re disgusting.
Me: Ok, now say one decent thing about me.
CJ: Your mother should be a gay icon. She’s a queen.
Me: Thanks a lot Chris. I love you.
Elianna Lev is co-organizing and performing at Rain City Chronicles on Dec. 1 , at 7 p.m., located at Little Mountain Studios. She’s also the creator of the People’s Program Project. To creep on her, click here.