Dear Stephen Colbert

Dear Stephen Colbert, Head of Colbert Nation, Patron of the US Speed-skating Team, and Esteemed Guest for the 2010 Winter Olympics,

You call us “syrup-suckers,” you call us “ice-holes.” Mr. Colbert, the mistake would be to assume the two are one and the same! We “syrup-suckers” at the small but fierce Vancouver Observer think there are a few things you need to know about the “ice-holes” you’ll be encountering as soon as you speed-skate across our perilous borders in your adorable spandex suit.

That is, if you can even get past the Canadian border. Friend of Your Show Amy Goodman was almost sent back to the States by the armed “ice-holes” interrogating her at the border last week. The only reason Goodman could join her “syrup-sucker” hosts at the Vancouver Public Library was because she promised not to speak about the Olympics. Are you planning to speak about the Olympics in Vancouver, Stephen?

We hope you are, and we know you won’t be making promises at the border you’re not planning to keep. Being the brave man that you are -- a man with athletic inclinations -- perhaps you will decide to make a break for it, zipping past the border guards into our tantalizing lands. Don’t do it, Stephen! Canada may be known for its fuzzy beavers and foie-gras poutine, but our very own Vancouver border “ice-holes” taser people to death. We “syrup-suckers” just want to say “sorry,” and “be careful, eh?”

But let’s say you do make it into Canada, and really, really want to speak about the Olympics. Chances are you will be directed to the nearest Free Speech Zone, where you’ll be pleased to know our Vancouver 2010 Integrated Security Unit (VISU) will be able to observe every angle of your boyish good-looks from the 100 closed-circuit cameras they’ve installed downtown. There are easily 100 angles from which you can be viewed, right, Stephen?

A number of our friendly local homeless people have already been removed from the premises, so you’ll be able to speak loudly, clearly, and entirely uninterrupted. That is, unless the VISU doesn’t like what you’re saying, in which case they likely will drown you out with their state-of-the-art Long-Range Acoustic Device, capable of emitting high-decibel tones to the range of 300 meters, which they recently purchased in October 2009, second-hand. Even if you do end up in trouble with the powers-that-be, it won’t really matter: our courts won't consider criminal trials during the Olympics. Those “ice-holes” won’t want to charge you with anything.

After receiving this friendly missive, you may well and wisely decide to leave the speaking gig alone, and embrace your new fascination with speed-skating instead. We understand it’s a fresh skill for you, and all that ice can be slippery, but worry not in the case of injuries. A number of beds in our hospitals will be off-limit to pesky locals during the Olympics, so you and your entire team can really stretch out comfortably in our exclusive, empty Olympics’ wards. Really, we insist. All we ask is that you don’t go spreading the word back home in the United States about our accessible, high quality and practically free health-care. It’s best we kept that to ourselves, don’t you think?

Stephen, what we’re trying to say is fear not the “ice-holes” that might block your way here, nor those aggressive Canadians who have been expressing mild outrage at your “Don’t Be an Ice-Hole” Campaign recently. With a bit of friendly guidance from your local “syrup-suckers,” you’ll maneuver to safety as easily as a can of Molson reaches a Canucks fan’s lips. Please let us know when you’ll be arriving, and we’d be happy to send a welcoming party of gentle Canadians in fluffy mukluks and toques. We will sweeten your arrival like maple-glaze on a cedar-planked salmon. After all, your Canadian great-great grandparents James Quinn and Mary Skelton wouldn’t have had it any other way. We’re looking forward to welcoming you home soon, son.

From your friends at the Vancouver Observer, who brought Colbert Report the “Nailed ‘Em!” Andrew Feldmar story.