Vancouver's Olympic Paranoia Explained

Now that Canada's border services agency has put Vancouver's Olympic Paranoia on the radar across Canada and to our neighbors to the south, thanks to their treatment of journalist Amy Goodman, it's probably a good time to try to explain a few things, such as why Vancouver and British Columbia are acting as paranoid as the high school pot-head trying to avoid the vice principal after a BC bud and hash brownie lunch.

To recap, Ms. Goodman was held up at the border because she was giving some talks in Vancouver and Victoria about Afghanistan, Iraq, health care, and a few other topics that could be grouped under the heading “Not the Olympics.” But the only thing the border guards were concerned with was if she was planning on talking about the 2010 winter games. She was incredulous that they were incredulous that she didn't plan on talking about it. It was a veritable vertigo of incredulity.

The comment sections on sites carrying the story were filled with people wondering, in the manner of comedians everywhere, What's the deal with Vancouver and the Olympics? Well, here's the deal: We Canadians are a sensitive peoples. So when we offer to host the Olympics and pass city by-laws restricting basic rights in order to satisfy corporate sponsors, our feelings get hurt when these actions are misconstrued as sinister by dirty hippies.

You see, when it comes to citizens' rights during the Olympics, the government treats them the way I treat a red light at 4 am on empty streets – as merely a suggestion. Granted, restricting rights and falling prostrate to the Olympic overlords may seem like conduct unbecoming of a first world country and wannabe-world-class city, but hey, we're nothing if not polite, and we want to make the IOC happy – hence the internal conflict. We can't stand the idea of people not liking us.

When the Beijing Olympics announced that there would be “free speech zones” far away from any venues, there was an international outcry against that move. Now, Vancouver is planning to do the same thing, without the attendant dictator to say, “Whaddaya gonna do about it?” The governments' only recourse is to try to convince us it's for our own safety, of which it is eminently concerned. Don't believe them? Their feelings get hurt. I mean, what's wrong with calling for celebratory-signs-only near sports venues? Okay, then. So, no to “Free Tibet”, but yes to “HOORAY! I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT FREEING TIBET!”