Five reasons to hate quinoa, the trendy health food
Every time you turn around lately, someone will advise you to eat quinoa.
Interested in the origin of this newly trendy superfood, I did some research and found several obnoxious articles with titles like "Do your body a favour" and "Five reasons to love quinoa".
Never one to enjoy people telling me what to do, I've decided to counter with a handy numbered guide I will call Five reasons to hate quinoa.
1. The name
This can be broken down into two distinct peeves:
First, its pronunciation. KEEN-wah? Please. Even if you fancy yourself a trendsetter, don't lie to me: you know you pronounced it "quin-oh-ah" the first time you saw it.
Second, "qu-" words have always struck me as vaguely pretentious. Ooh, look it takes two letters to make this special and unique sound at the beginning of a regular old word. Also, why you always gotta be together? Q and U have a codependent relationship ("queen", "query"), and we shouldn’t be encouraging that.
2. Its fanatical fan base, resulting in the need to put it in everything
There is really no reason this book should exist:
When you like something, is it absolutely necessary to put it in everything? I think not. I love bacon, but you don't find me putting it in yogurt. Why do we have to overkill on healthy ingredients? Quinoa pancakes? Quinoa vanilla pudding?
Look at the cautionary tale that is edamame beans. They used to be just a quaint Japanese restaurant appetizer, but everyone started putting them in everything, and as a result, we never want to see another one of those beans for as long as we live.
The same people who want to put it in everything will also look you in the eye and tell you they love quinoa. To be fair, I believe they are telling me the truth. They think they really do love it. But they are lying to themselves. In the same way I tell myself I'm a size 10, no one really loves quinoa that much. That's like saying you love rice cakes. Lots of people eat them, sure, but they don't love them because no sane person loves food that tastes like Styrofoam packing peanuts.
I know it’s wrong to judge a book by its cover, but please look at this crap and tell me it does not look like it will prevent your leather boots from moisture:
Half of me wants to throw some in a clutch purse and see what happens. But then I would have to handle it. Pass.
If quinoa's taste had a colour, it would be beige; the colour choice that is the absence of choice. Vaguely nutty beige. Yawn. And just try getting that stuff out of your teeth without a glass of water and 12 meters of dental floss. Go on, try. I'll wait.
5. It’s so good for me
It's a superfood. Fine. I get it. I know. I don’t need to be told about another thing I’m NOT doing for myself that would basically solve all my nutritional problems and make me live longer and possibly become a better person. I’m not into it. I already feel broke down enough. Now you’re telling me I can’t even feed myself properly? What, you got opinions about my love life, too?
And who is the 'you' I'm talking to anyway? The presence of quinoa in my life might actually be making me mentally ill. Great.
So now to alleviate myself from stress-inducing guilt, I need to eat some of this crappy stuff.
And possibly get a therapist.
For more funny, uncensored takes on food (plus delicious recipes), visit Crasscuisine.com