Five reasons to hate quinoa, the trendy health food

Quinoa may be gluten-free and packed with protein, but there are still plenty of reasons to hate this trendy superfood.

Every time you turn around lately, someone will advise you to eat quinoa.

Interested in the origin of this newly trendy superfood, I did some research and found several obnoxious articles with titles like "Do your body a favour" and "Five reasons to love quinoa".

Never one to enjoy people telling me what to do, I've decided to counter with a handy numbered guide I will call Five reasons to hate quinoa.

1. The name 

This can be broken down into two distinct peeves:

First, its pronunciation. KEEN-wah? Please. Even if you fancy yourself a trendsetter, don't lie to me: you know you pronounced it "quin-oh-ah" the first time you saw it. 

Second, "qu-" words have always struck me as vaguely pretentious. Ooh, look it takes two letters to make this special and unique sound at the beginning of a regular old word. Also, why you always gotta be together? Q and U have a codependent relationship ("queen", "query"), and we shouldn’t be encouraging that.

2.  Its fanatical fan base, resulting in the need to put it in everything

There is really no reason this book should exist:





When you like something, is it absolutely necessary to put it in everything? I think not. I love bacon, but you don't find me putting it in yogurt. Why do we have to overkill on healthy ingredients? Quinoa pancakes? Quinoa vanilla pudding?

Look at the cautionary tale that is edamame beans. They used to be just a quaint Japanese restaurant appetizer, but everyone started putting them in everything, and as a result, we never want to see another one of those beans for as long as  we live.

The same people who want to put it in everything will also look you in the eye and tell you they love quinoa. To be fair, I believe they are telling me the truth. They think they really do love it. But they are lying to themselves. In the same way I tell myself I'm a size 10, no one really loves quinoa that much. That's like saying you love rice cakes. Lots of people eat them, sure, but they don't love them because no sane person loves food that tastes like Styrofoam packing peanuts. 

 

3.  Appearance

I know it’s wrong to judge a book by its cover, but please look at this crap and tell me it does not look like it will prevent your leather boots from moisture:

 
Half of me wants to throw some in a clutch purse and see what happens. But then I would have to handle it. Pass.

 

4.  Taste

If quinoa's taste had a colour, it would be beige; the colour choice that is the absence of choice. Vaguely nutty beige. Yawn. And just try getting that stuff out of your teeth without a glass of water and 12 meters of dental floss. Go on, try. I'll wait.

 

5.  It’s so good for me

It's a superfood. Fine. I get it. I know. I don’t need to be told about another thing I’m NOT doing for myself that would basically solve all my nutritional problems and make me live longer and possibly become a better person. I’m not into it. I already feel broke down enough. Now you’re telling me I can’t even feed myself properly? What, you got opinions about my love life, too?

And who is the 'you' I'm talking to anyway? The presence of quinoa in my life might actually be making me mentally ill. Great.

So now to alleviate myself from stress-inducing guilt, I need to eat some of this crappy stuff.

And possibly get a therapist. 

For more funny, uncensored takes on food (plus delicious recipes), visit Crasscuisine.com

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Comments

I will never buy KEEN-WAH

"Half of me wants to throw some in a clutch purse and see what happens."  I say this about so many different types of food! :)

Thanks for this one, Ginge.  Funny as always. xo

#4 is reason enough for me.

I've tried "regular" quinoa and red quinoa. I've tried it made with stock instead of water. Its just... yucky.

It's healthy and good for you

Oh come on, how can anyone hate Quinoa? I was turned off at first but now it's an essential part of my diet. Yes, it looks a bit weird, and I did find your piece (leather goods) hilarious! But I think that like natto and kombucha, it's an acquired taste that you will grow to love if you give it a few months. 

 

Much love, 

L

Never heard of them before

Never heard of them before now.  Now I have.  Did some research on them... they seem healthy enough but 'superfood'?  Get real.

Hate on!

More for me!

Quinoa

It's really not that good for you unless you soak the grains in whey (the liquid that separates from yogurt) for 8-12 hours before cooking. You could also use lemon or lime juice, but maybe let them soak a bit longer. Or sprout them. Quinoa is very high in phytates which act like a magnet to the minerals, and phytic acid not digestable, so it flushes the minerals out of your system.  If you are not going to prepare your grain first, you would be better to eat a low phytate one like brown rice or millet. If you want some 'superfood' action sprinkle some chia seeds in there, they are very healthy as is because they are low in phytic acid.

Natto

Natto? Lucy you can't be serious.

I almost vomited just reading that! It is one of the few healthy ways to eat soy though.   

I do love making my own kombucha though, have a batch finishing up this weekend with ginger and a touch of cloves. 

 

 

article

sometimes snark is funny sometimes it is just snark

More serious reason to hate quinoa

Health freaks here are buying quinoa because it is high in protein. But NEWS FLASH: unless you are a vegetarian who doesn't eat enough legumes and know how to mix plant food to get whole proteins, then you are probably getting more protein then you need! I am a vegetarian but eat cheese and legumes and I get much more protein than I need. There is no need to buy a more expensive version of rice because of the added protein! The growing market for quinoa has made it a big cash crop in places like Bolivia. And guess what....Bolivians now can't afford to eat quinoa and get rice imported. THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY NEED THE QUINOA FOR PROTEIN SINCE THEY CAN RARELY EAT MEAT. Not to mention that importing quinoa here and rice there is hardly carbon efficient. Think about the consequences of following a trend before doing it!

can you do a post about Kale?

... on " 5 reasons why we should hate Kale" ....no really!!

tx.
/mk


I can't believe this is

I can't believe this is actually a published article.

So you don't like quinoa? Why do you have to let the world know? Noboda cares! Don't eat it and let the rest of us enjoy it!

You seriously the name of it as a reason for hate? Wow....I've never based my hatred of a food of the 'pretentious' pronunciation of it's name.

Also, this is an opinion piece, therefore you cannot state things like: 'as a result, we never want to see another one of those beans for as long as we live' Or 'No one loves quinoa that much. That's like saying you love rice cakes. Lots of people eat them, sure, but they don't love them' as facts! Those are your opinions and are not factual and should not be stated as such.

I realize that this article was supposed to be a funny, sassy piece, but it came across as immature and rant-y.

This was one of the worst

This was one of the worst articles I've ever read. It makes me sad that you are getting paid for this, while people who have applicable skills and contribute to society go hungry.

I love this website, quinoa

I love this website, quinoa is the absolute, worst health food I've ever eaten.

I'm pleased to see that others too dislike this as much as me. I've eaten my fair share of bland quinoa dishes and it's time for the injustice to end.

Thankyou for taking the time to write this article, I will continue to share it.

#NoMoreQuinoa

I don't really understand  how people could possibly like  quinoa. It looks vile, and bland. I agree with you on every single aspect of this article, especially the pretentious nature of its name, and the beige thing.

I am 100% positive that neither Gordon Ramsay nor Nigella Lawson could make quinoa appetising. 

This article was hilarious! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way about the most repulsive food on the planet: quinoa.

On Bolivia...

Elizabeth wrote:

Health freaks here are buying quinoa because it is high in protein. But NEWS FLASH: unless you are a vegetarian who doesn't eat enough legumes and know how to mix plant food to get whole proteins, then you are probably getting more protein then you need! I am a vegetarian but eat cheese and legumes and I get much more protein than I need. There is no need to buy a more expensive version of rice because of the added protein! The growing market for quinoa has made it a big cash crop in places like Bolivia. And guess what....Bolivians now can't afford to eat quinoa and get rice imported. THESE PEOPLE ACTUALLY NEED THE QUINOA FOR PROTEIN SINCE THEY CAN RARELY EAT MEAT. Not to mention that importing quinoa here and rice there is hardly carbon efficient. Think about the consequences of following a trend before doing it!

Have you ever been to Bolivia, or know any Bolivians or anything about Bolivian culture? Quinoa is still as much an essential part of the culture today as it was before the huge boom of quinoa health fanatics in North America. Not to mention that meat is a huge part of the food culture there and all of South America for the most part. I agree that the carbon footprint of importing quinoa is no good, and that there is probably an alternative (ie. growing quinoa natively in North America). But I hate that you make it sound like the majority of Bolivia is this pauper country where the people are completely distitute and can't afford to eat meat or quinoa. 

Bolivia is actually one of the most impressive South American cultures with a rising entrepreneurial indigenous population and well-knit indigineous communities that take care of one another. It is the one place in South America where you will see such growing autonomy within the indigineous community. While the poverty in Bolivia is no where near comparable to that of North America, it isn't what you make it sound like. You should try doing more research before painting a nation out to be this sad, poor destitute country that is unable to take care of themselves.

- from someone who is married to a Bolivian

 

All food is good food

I understand all of the points you made because I used to hate quinoa too, but I really think that quinoa, like any other food, has its own unique value and appeal.  I've come to think of it as a comfort food like hot cereal.  I love hot, freshly made quinoa with a little salt, garlic powder and cilantro.  I also really enjoy quinoa pizza crust that I make by blending uncooked cilantro in the blender to make a flour, then combining it with a little marinara sauce to make dough.  The high protein content helps with the texture of the pizza.  I also actually do enjoy rice cakes, even though they did remind me of styrofoam at first.  They have a nice "grainy" flavor and they help my digestion because their dry texture stimulates more digestive enzymes to be produced.  I guess my point is, every food is good food, it just depends how you make it and what flavors you pair it with.  

Oops, typo

Uncooked quinoa*  lol

dumb

This should be voted as one of 2013's worst articles on nutrition of any kind.

This article is so pointless. You make it sound like these are quantifiable reasons that 'keen-wa' shouldn't be eaten.

What a waste of time.

I'm going to go give my friend who shared this on facebook crap now, too.

 

Love this article!

This article is hilarious! I hate quinoa too! Quinoa haters unite! Funny to read all the commenters who don't understand that this post is meant to be funny.

I do not even know how I stopped up here, but I thought this put up was good. I don't realize who you might be however definitely you are going to a well-known blogger if you happen to aren't already. Cheers! Here is my webpage; Organic Whey Protein

Quinoa

It has about the same flavor appeal as wet cement. I'm pretty sure a person could use it for a solid mortar between bricks, and has about the same affect on the digestive system. I say thumbs down to this crap food.

I like the close-up picture

I like the close-up picture of quinoa on a slice of cooked bacon -- I could almost like quinoa if it were served like that all the time. :-)

I agree. Update: Since your

I agree. Update: Since your post their is also a new product quinoa powder which is even worse it has 21grams of carbs and only 4 grams of protein. This is per 30grams. Just my two cents!

Misleading

This is a terrible article and should not be indexed so high in Google. I legitimately thought there were FACTS about how Quinoa may not be good for my health. In fact, I felt annoyed reading through this because it's a "PERSONAL" rant. The title should be "Five reasons I Hate Quinoa."