Commitment is contentment
Commitment is a word with so many different dimensions. I think people spend too much time asking to have it, and not enough time thinking about what it actually entails.
I was speaking to a friend recently about this topic and he said it was hogwash that men are perceived to be the gender with more commitment issues. Such things relate to everyone, men AND women. Because the root of such commitment issues is tied in with a state of mind that relates to all human beings: contentment.
I thought about male friends I’ve known who were players before but had settled down with a single woman and are still with them, come hail or high water. I remembered meeting others who say they have problems committing but are constantly on the lookout for that one person who’ll fit them to perfection. It’s true – contentment is the root to commitment. If one is not contented with the one he (or she, it applies to both genders) is seeing, then he will not commit. And because contentment is a goal that so many seek and will not settle for, commitment does not come easy.
And so, taking that vital step back, you will realize that commitment is neither something that you can predict yourself receiving from someone, nor something that can be forced. You may never get it with someone who doesn’t see you as a good fit for themselves, no matter how many times you ask for it, and no matter how many second chances you give them to have that “you-are-The-One” revelation. Conversely, commitment is a gift that you will DEFINITELY get from someone who is contented with you, and who feels that he no longer needs to keep searching.
When contentment sets in, no words of commitment need to be spoken. It is in his actions, in his little gestures, NOT in the ring he gives you, or the marriage certificate he’s signed. Commitment cannot be sealed by material terms, because the human need for contentment is NOT material. There are people I know who have never married but have been together for years, happy and with kids; there are those who wear a wedding band around their fingers but cheat on their partners over and over again. Commitment is in the mind, not in the material.
The question that many ask then, is how they can get commitment from the one they like. The answer unfortunately is, you can’t. It is not something that can be meticulously engineered or planned out. Commitment comes as a natural by-product of contentment, and contentment comes when an individual feels there is no other person better for them than the one they are with.
That said, not being able to get commitment from someone doesn’t mean you are defunct or lacking in some way, it just means that he is not your Mr Right Fit, or at least he doesn’t think so. When that is the case, there is good reason to let him go. Because sometimes, it might take more years of futile searching for him to realize that what he had shared with you was something really special. And when that happens, he will come back, come hail or high water. If he never does, then perhaps this one just wasn’t meant to be.