A Cynical Elitist’s Big Olympic Weekend Out

To me, the Olympics are kind of like a semi-dysfunctional family: They’re easy to appreciate when they’re somewhere else, preferably far, far away, but when they’re in the same city as you, it’s time to freak the fuck out. When they say they’re coming to visit, you try to remain calm and put it out of your mind until the day they arrive. Then when they get here, you just deal with it as best as you can, panic attacks or no panic attacks. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing since the Games started.

Until last weekend, my experience with the Olympics has been minimal. Since I work from home, I rarely need to venture that far, much less downtown. On Valentine’s weekend, I went to Vancouver Island for a night and had to take public transport through downtown to get there. I wasn’t prepared for the crowds and suffered a mild anxiety attack when I realized this wasn’t the Vancouver I knew and loved. It was crowded, hectic and littered with lineups. I grew up in Toronto and have lived in Montreal, New York and London – big cities aren’t a big deal to me. But out of context, a bustling Vancouver is shocking. I live here for the sleepy pace. There’s nothing sleepy about the Olympics.

I decided to go out and deal with the Olympics head on – but only on my terms. I went to check out the “Colbert Report,” as I am a fan of the show and it was a 15 minute walk from my house. I got up early and walked my dog down to Science World (excuse me, Telus World of Science.) It was the Olympic enthusiast crowd that I’d heard so much about, with their flagcapes and wooting. We stood around and listened to 20 minutes of audio of past segments that had led Colbert to the Olympics. It was boring, but luckily there were a few other dog friends for my Dutchess to play with. That was nice. When Colbert finally came out, he made a joke about bad poutine and I decided I was done.

That night, I suggested to my friend Taz (from last week’s column) that we go on an adventure. I wanted to see Vectorial Elevation, by Rafael Lozano-Hemmer, since my in-the-know design friends were raving about a recent artist talk he gave. Off we went, for a walk along the seawall. Our destination: A spotlight show, which I kept referring to as Laser Zeppelin.

So we walked, taking in the enthusiastic frat-like crowds along the way. The closer we got to Yaletown, the thicker the crowds got and the more public urination was taking place. The majority of them were wearing their colours in some form or another on various parts of their bodies. Taz called it chaotic patriotism. There was a free Dead Mau5 show going on and a lot of people – what seemed like thousands – couldn’t get into the party. So instead, they took it to the streets. It reminded me of the people from the suburbs who’d come into Toronto on a Friday to excitedly watch Electric Circus from the street. I called them losers.

We made it to the light show, which was just a series of powerful spotlights that you’d find at a Hollywood premiere. Then we walked to Granville Street to meet Talent Time host Paul Anthony and his stunning friend Grace, who was in town from Toronto. The most people I have ever seen in my life was in 1993 on Yonge Street in Toronto, after the Blue Jays had won the World Series for the second time. There was an estimated 1, 000, 000 people on the streets that night. Granville was the second busiest crowd I’d ever seen in my life next to that night. It was weekend Granville we non-suburb types all know and hate, times 5,000. After about 20 minutes, we called it a night.

The next night I had plans to go to the CBC building to watch my friend Sarah’s boyfriend, Jonathan Goldstein, do a live taping of his show “Wiretap.” Having seen what downtown was like the night before, I really didn’t want to leave my house. But I did and I’m happy for it. Despite not being an official Olympic event, the show was at capacity with prototypical CBC listeners – hip, studious-looking intellectuals, both young and old. Jonathan read several of his pieces, while a band whose name I didn’t catch, played sweet harmonious ditties in between. Their sound was something out of a Zellers commercial and fit perfectly with the show.