On Facebook, Your Partner Says, "Its Complicated"

A young friend asked me this question: “What does it mean when your boyfriend chooses Valentines Day to post on his Facebook profile that his relationship status is “Complicated?"

A posting on a social utility website like Facebook is virtually an announcement to the world. So, the answer to that question is that he wants to let everyone know something about his relationship status. But what is he really saying? And to whom? Let’s take a look.

The word “complicated” has various synonyms: abstruse, complex, tortuous, arduous, convoluted, perplexing, troublesome, entangled, difficult, multifarious. I’ve heard it said many times in the therapy room, and the word itself is well, complicated. We can only infer its meaning by its context, and even then we must refer to the actual detailed description of events or situations to understand the picture thoroughly.

Outside of the therapy room, however, there is pretty much one common understanding of the word, especially used in the context of one who wishes everyone in the whole world (except the romantic partner involved) to know that his relationship status is “Complicated”.

What he really means to say is “I’m in a relationship that I have serious doubts about, so, I’m available, or soon going to be.” His intended audience? Another woman, other women, or other men.

You see, when a guy (or gal) is just not that into you, call it what you like. He/she is afraid of commitment, has intimacy issues, is confused, delusional, immature. It all means the same thing, he (or she) chooses the handle of “complicated” to label your relationship with him.

He also does this to avoid communicating to you his real feelings and issues, but in most cases, one foot is virtually out the door. Anyone who is genuinely struggling with issues in relationship (and they all have them) and wants to keep working at it may discuss the complexities to a therapist, or a close friend, but he does not publish that on the internet for the world to read, picking the one day of the year on which it will be most noticed.

Men or women who have affairs often describe their marriages as “complicated” to their would-be love interests. This is their way of saying that 1) they are available, 2) their spouse doesn’t give them what they need (sex, kindness, support, whatever, thus justifying the potential affair), and 3) they cannot leave their marriage yet, because of the kids, the money, a special arrangement, their guilt, whatever.

Regardless of the situation, the recipients of their “complicated” love on either ends get only a part of them, never the whole person.

The choice to engage in an extramarital affair isn’t complicated in itself – you either control your impulses or you don’t. It’s the lies that have to be told to cover up the choice to be involved that make life more complex. The lies and cover-ups are meant to, in the words of one Scully, deceive, inveigle, and obfuscate.

I have no moral judgment about extramarital affairs or the people who have them. I just believe that they are messy and convoluted, involving layers of deceit, and in the end not worth the emotional costs they incur.

The way I see it, there are genuine instances when relationships get complicated, such as the following:
o You’re sleeping with your cousin’s husband and she’s sleeping with yours, and neither of you knows it.

* Your grandmother’s husband is sleeping with your husband, and the two sneak around town together.
* You are a Mormon and your husband has 5 other wives with whom you share his kids, time, affections, and resources.

And here are some alternate, more descriptive and humorous handles that can be used for internet announcements of the termination or terminating of a relationship:
* Single Again (Got Turfed)
* Opted Out as I’m Too Scared of Commitment
* Haven’t Got the Guts to Love
* Too Immature to Work Through My Problems
* Perplexed, but Available
* Wishes to Play the Field, so Available Again & Again

Seriously though, I do wish people would stop using the word “complicated” to describe their relationships. It doesn’t say much. Because inherently, relationships are complex and multifarious, even difficult and tortuous at times. Sometimes, we need to end them, and when we do, let us do so well. Both for ourselves and for the one we once loved. So to anyone like my young friend’s boyfriend contemplating leaving a relationship (for greener pastures, self-improvement, enlightenment), I encourage you to tell her in person with honesty, dignity, and respect. She deserves that.

To my friend, don’t believe that you deserve less. I suggest that you take a long hard look at the relationship to discover 1) what’s worth saving, 2) how much you can tolerate his confusion, uncertainty, or otherwise roving eyes, and 3) how long you can be in a relationship with someone who can’t or won’t be 100% there.

For everyone else, it’s not complicated at all. Here’s a short quiz to determine readiness for relationship:
1. Am I truly ready to learn to love and grow with someone?
2. Can I communicate my hopes, dreams, fears, anxiety, & confusion with that person?
3. Can I always be honest but kind with expressing my feelings?
4. Do I have the staying power it takes (i.e. not run off when I feel scared)?

Answer “yes” to every question, and you’re mature and ready. Answer mostly “yes” and you are mostly ready. Like being mostly pregnant, so if that’s you, you’re not quite there yet. There is work to be done.